growing up.

being a grown-up is hard.

i know you could say this is just another "grass is greener" moment, but seriously, sometimes i wonder why i ever wanted to rush the growing up process. when i was little i remember watching my older sisters get their licenses and jobs and i envied how busy their lives were. they always had people to see and places to go. i didn't. i longed for the day that i could join their club. now that i'm in that club, i wish i was a kid. the older you get, the more stuff you have on your plate. there are more bills to pay, more errands to run, more boys to date, more friends to get together with and really, it's just exhausting.

and it's not just that there is a lot of stuff to do. as you get older, the things on your to do list get harder. there are hard decisions that need to be made, hard conversations that need to be had, situations that involve insurance or savings... and let's just make sure to mention that strange phenomenon--that i swear, the more money you make, the less you feel you have. it's a horrible feeling. and then i remember that there are people in other countries who have nothing. literally nothing. and then i feel even more horrible.

i now know that it will be my life goal to make sure the kids around me enjoy their childhood. there is a time when every one is required to grow up, but i'm gonna make sure they don't do it too soon (and to not long for that time) because it's not as glamorous as they might imagine.




.....15 minutes later....




i just got off a phone call that i've been dreading, and procrastinating, for 6 months. well, procrastinating for 3, dreading for another 3. and you know what. it wasn't worth my anxiety. people are good. and although growing up is not as easy as childhood, i'm grateful for those people in my life who help me in my growing-up process.

my dad.

my dad passed away unexpectedly a little over a month ago. i was out of the country for work when it happened. i will never forget the moment i found out. i felt helpless as i sat there alone in a hotel room in norway, over five thousand miles from home. i was leaving in four hours to start the almost 18-hour trip home and i just sat there, unsure what to think or what to do. i was sad. i was angry. i was tired. and i was alone. i finally got myself to stop thinking so i could sleep, but only for a few hours. the next day was practically a blur. i went through the motions physically, but my mind wasn't there. i was up in the clouds. i knew that as soon as i was home, reality would hit. i didn't want that to happen and yet all i wanted, was to not be on a plane with a hundred people that didn't know me. but i didn't want to be around people that knew either. it wouldn't help to hear people say they were sorry. that wouldn't bring him back. that wouldn't allow me to say goodbye.

i have spent many weeks with my mom helping her organize her finances and house. and even though it has felt a little like he is just on another business trip, there have been moments when reality sets back in and i remember that he's gone. and i miss him.

i miss hearing him call me darlin'.
i miss watching him create his perfect drink (combo of coke zero, caffeine free diet coke, diet coke with lime, etc...)
i miss watching him create his perfect salad dressing and fill up old travel mouthwash bottles with it to take to restaurants.
i miss listening to his logic.
i miss watching him turn a backyard into a beautiful garden.
i miss hearing/watching him rock out to michael jackson/ michael bolton/ phil collins/ chicago, etc. in the car.
i miss seeing him kiss my mom.
i miss his hugs. he knew never to let go first.
i miss watching him sacrifice all of his time and energy to help my mom.
i miss seeing him get excited about things and then explain them and get excited all over again.
i miss wrapping presents for him.
i miss hearing his dad jokes.
i miss going on trips with him.
i miss planning with him.

i have found peace in knowing that his work here was done. and that there were other things he was needed for on the other side. but i miss him. and although i know it's not healthy to live my life full of regrets, i definitely have some.

i regret being casual in the way i told him i loved him.
i regret calling to talk to my mom more often than him, even though he was there.
i regret not expressing more fully my gratitude for him and the things he did for me.
i regret not being vulnerable with him. i always wanted him to think i was perfect.
i regret taking for granted the little quirks that made him, him.
i regret not spending the time to have him teach me how to garden or how to can tomatoes.

i don't want these regrets to overtake my life. i want them to change me. i want people to know how much i love them. i want people to know that i care for them. i don't want people to not know how i feel about them after spending time with them. they should always know. and i should always show it. all of these things require a lot of vulnerability... something that is not easy for me. and because it is hard for me, i missed out on many opportunities to grow closer with my dad and to receive counsel from him. there are many moments i chose to miss out on while he was alive because of pride or selfishness. and there are so many moments that i will miss having them there for, for the rest of my life.

i will think of him when i meet a boy that asks for my hand, knowing that he won't be asked first.
i will think of him when i get married, knowing that we won't be able to share a daddy-daughter dance.
i will think of him on the first christmas after i get married, knowing he won't be there to buy my husband his inaugural tool set.
i will think of him when i have my first child, knowing i'll never hear them call him grandpa dre.
i will think of him when i plant a garden, knowing he won't be there to help me.
i will think of him whenever i go to sephora, remembering the times he sat there, waiting patiently for us.
i will think of him whenever we go on family vacations, knowing he won't be there to plan it and because that time together as a family was so important to him.

i know he will be there for all of those moments. i know he will be there in spirit and i hope that he'll be proud. but it's not the same. his mom passed away when he was my age. before i was born. i never knew her in this life. we never really talk about her and i can't bear the thought of him drifting from our minds or our conversation like that ... and honestly, it makes me sad that from now on anyone i meet or bring into this life won't know who he is. they won't really understand those parts of me that came from him. and he won't be there as a strong patriarchal figure in our family.

i don't know why this had to happen. but i believe that everything happens for a reason. i wish i knew  what that reason was right now. but i don't. all i can do is trust that it is for the best. trust that it is for the best for everyone. and learn all that i can from it. it was amazing to hear and see the outpouring of love that came from so many people after his death. they loved him because he loved them. his goodness, his dedication, his testimony, his work ethic, and his unconditional love have inspired me.

i hope that i become a better person because of this experience. this experience that is now a part of who i am.
i hope it's true that the support he can offer from there is greater than what he could provide here. because i'm gonna need it.
i hope he knows that i love him. always have. always will.
i hope he sends me little messages of love throughout my life.
i hope i sense him there in those most pivotal moments in my life.
i hope i live my life in such a way that i can be with him again.
i hope my gratitude for and steadfastness in the gospel increases.
i hope i can be the help to my family that he needs me to be.
i hope someday i really do understand why he, and our family, were asked to make this sacrifice.
and i hope it hurts a little less every day.

love you and miss you dad.

that moment.

i thought about that moment tonight. that moment when we were standing close and your arms were around me. we had done it before, but somehow, this time, it felt different. there had been nothing romantic between us for all the years we had known each other. and it had been years since we had seen each other. but there we were, standing there in silence. and that's when it happened. that moment. the moment i made a choice i've regretted ever since. when i realized what might happen next, that you might lean in, i panicked and broke the moment.

what was i thinking? was i scared of what might happen or did i not want it to happen? in the split second that i had to make that decision, did i actually look into the future or did i want time to sort through the possible consequences?

no matter what the reason, i made that choice. and i regret it. mostly because i don't know what i pulled away from. maybe you would've broken the moment and nothing would've happened. but maybe not. and maybe our lives would be completely different than they are now. but maybe not.

the moment has definitely passed and has faded away so i rarely think of it. but sometimes i do. and sometimes i wonder.

bravery.

i've had this feeling for a while. probably most of my life. this feeling of being unsettled. i try to hide it. for some reason i try to hide these feelings that are so natural to {hopefully} everyone. how could you admit to your parents, your friends, your boss, boys you like or to the world that you don't know what you're doing? that you don't know what you want?

perhaps a traumatic experience as a child has encouraged this behavior. or maybe i'm just like everybody else. and we're all hiding a truth that could bring us closer together. i see now that the longer i hide that truth, the more unsettled i feel. others give suggestions for my life and in an effort to hide the truth -- even from myself -- i believe that i'm supposed to follow through on their suggestion. unfortunately, my insides, the ones that are deep down, still know that i'm hiding and they scream out saying "NO!" because even though i don't know what i want, i know i don't want that. at least not right now. this leaves me feeling unsettled and frustrated that i don't have a plan to share with them so they stop planning for me. not that i should have to prove my case.

we live in a world with millions of options open to us. doesn't that mean that we should have more time to decide? or do we ever have to officially decide? does it make you a less attractive person to not know exactly what you want to do? or does it make you a less attractive person to not embrace that truth? 

i've decided to be brave. to embrace that truth about who i am today. to commit to the things i'm doing and to give all of myself to the things that excite me and bring me joy. so to everyone out there that might find fault in my lack of 5 or 10 year plan -- i don't care! and i say that in the kindest way possible because i know you mean well. but i am choosing to be ok with it even if you think you know what will be best. 

in this world with a lot of options and a lot of areas where right and wrong are subjective -- i must be the discoverer of my life, of the path i will take. or i will never be fully committed to it. until then i must gain confidence in my lack of a plan.