last night i went to see "still alice." in the story, the mother, alice, is diagnosed with a rare version of early onset alzheimer's disease. you watch her struggle to remain connected to the things she felt defined her worth and the things she loved. but as she continues to deteriorate there is a shift in the ones around her. i couldn't help but see that there were some in her family that found it hard to love & connect with this woman who was so "different" than the woman they had known. she didn't live up to the expectations they had for her & they couldn't change those expectations. while others found greater love for her through this change & accepted whatever she had to give.
i thought of my grandfather who passed away from alzheimer's when i was 10. i remember him not remembering who i was or that it was his birthday. i remember hearing & reading about how hard it was for my grandmother when he didn't remember her. i also thought of my grandmother. she struggled with dementia near the end of her life. as one of her caretakers, i watched her pain & frustration as she tried to remember things--things she knew she had forgotten.
i have a very difficult time being around the elderly. not because i don't love them, but because it is really painful for me, for some reason. i become really emotional as i watch them deal with frustration and loneliness. one time, after my father had passed away, i remember thinking that maybe it was a little tender mercy that he was taken so young, so that i didn't have to watch him go through that.
however, alice's story made me realize a few things:
my father had been deteriorating. he was sick. but, like usual, he probably didn't want to burden or worry us with that information. he was so different during the last 6 months of his life. he was forgetful & made decisions which were so uncharacteristic for him. i remember being frustrated with him for those things--frustrated that he was acting differently. my heart sinks when i think of that. i wonder if he was scared or lonely. was i so focused on myself & my frustration with him for not meeting my expectations that i didn't recognize that he was suffering? i wish i had been the daughter that had felt the change, loved him through it & soaked up every ounce of love he had to give.
i know he forgives me & loves me despite my weakness.
all i can do is be better at recognizing & comforting those in need of comfort.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
authenticity.
i've been spending a lot of time thinking about authenticity.
authenticity means for us to be ourselves--authentic--in our words & actions. recently, i realized that it's hard to balance the need to be authentic with the commandment to be christ-like. i could look around me & make a list of the many things i see people do which are "christ-like." i could start doing those same things in order to be seen as "christ-like." however, that's not how it works! that's not authentic!
you must be authentic no matter where you are on the path to perfection. part of being authentic is knowing & accepting yourself including the fact that you are imperfect. as you strive to live more closely to the spirit, your actions will be influenced & you will become more christ-like, but in an authentic way. your "good" words & deeds will have more meaning & authenticity about them because you are doing & saying those things because you want to & it's how you would do it! it's you, as an authentically christ-like person, not you acting like a christ-like person (according to some arbitrary list).
becoming christ-like authentically reduces the pressure to live up to some standard we create in our minds. in addition, once that list isn't there for us to live up to, we can stop holding others to it as well! if every person is authentic & authentically christ-like in their own way, then we can't decide how everyone should be christ-like or whether or not someone is christ-like. otherwise, we are exacting over others & expecting them to be perfect... but really, we can let the lord handle that.
the more i thought about this concept of authentically becoming christ-like, i realized something else... as we are close to the spirit we won't just learn how to be like christ, we will actually come to know ourselves--our spirits--the true authentic us that the lord knows! so the phrase "becoming christ-like" doesn't contradict us being authentically us. the spirit "consumes our flesh" & allows our spirits to shine through in a way that guides our desires & behaviors.
sometimes we feel pressured to be perfect right now. but becoming perfect (christ-like) is a process. it will be better for us to make choices & changes line upon line, meaningfully & honestly, than to "become perfect" today, checking everything off a to-do list. first, it's impossible to do that in this life. & 2. it's the becoming that matters! & becoming takes time. we just need to be on the path & have a desire to be changed.
authenticity means for us to be ourselves--authentic--in our words & actions. recently, i realized that it's hard to balance the need to be authentic with the commandment to be christ-like. i could look around me & make a list of the many things i see people do which are "christ-like." i could start doing those same things in order to be seen as "christ-like." however, that's not how it works! that's not authentic!
you must be authentic no matter where you are on the path to perfection. part of being authentic is knowing & accepting yourself including the fact that you are imperfect. as you strive to live more closely to the spirit, your actions will be influenced & you will become more christ-like, but in an authentic way. your "good" words & deeds will have more meaning & authenticity about them because you are doing & saying those things because you want to & it's how you would do it! it's you, as an authentically christ-like person, not you acting like a christ-like person (according to some arbitrary list).
becoming christ-like authentically reduces the pressure to live up to some standard we create in our minds. in addition, once that list isn't there for us to live up to, we can stop holding others to it as well! if every person is authentic & authentically christ-like in their own way, then we can't decide how everyone should be christ-like or whether or not someone is christ-like. otherwise, we are exacting over others & expecting them to be perfect... but really, we can let the lord handle that.
the more i thought about this concept of authentically becoming christ-like, i realized something else... as we are close to the spirit we won't just learn how to be like christ, we will actually come to know ourselves--our spirits--the true authentic us that the lord knows! so the phrase "becoming christ-like" doesn't contradict us being authentically us. the spirit "consumes our flesh" & allows our spirits to shine through in a way that guides our desires & behaviors.
sometimes we feel pressured to be perfect right now. but becoming perfect (christ-like) is a process. it will be better for us to make choices & changes line upon line, meaningfully & honestly, than to "become perfect" today, checking everything off a to-do list. first, it's impossible to do that in this life. & 2. it's the becoming that matters! & becoming takes time. we just need to be on the path & have a desire to be changed.
day of love
on this day {or day after} of love, i thought i would reflect on some of the important things i've learned about love during the past year. what is it? what is it for? how does it change us? is it a choice? is it determined by logic? is it an unshakeable feeling? why do we all desire it? where do we learn about it?
here are some of my thoughts and questions...
we are here in this life to learn how to love despite our human weaknesses.
the feeling of love may be natural, but the actions that should actually accompany love are not always as natural. or maybe they are, but people say they love someone when they don't, but they just wish they did or they mistakenly classify their fear of being alone as love. real love requires effort, but maybe the desire to make that effort is easy?
is there a difference between love and unconditional love?
or is the true essence of love, unconditional? we are first supposed to learn about love from our parents. they tell us they love us throughout our childhood and as we get older we test to see whether or not that love is unconditional. some learn it is and then they have a healthy foundation to go through their lives knowing when they have felt love for and from another. others learn love is conditional and struggle to meet those conditions in each relationship. sometimes these people never even know if they have experienced unconditional love because even if their significant other felt that type of love for them, they wouldn't be able to recognize it and/or they would assume their own conditions for that person to really love them. what an exhausting way to live. these parents, who generally try their best to love, may not realize how pivotal this piece is to a child's foundation. their love can typify god's love for them. if they don't experience unconditional love from their earthly father, how hard will it be for them to understand unconditional love from their heavenly father?
love is in our gut.
to love someone logically means you have an ongoing pros and cons list about that person in your head. when they have more pros--that means you should love them, so you do. when they have more cons, the opposite occurs. but almost anyone could tell you that the people they love irritate them at times, hurt them at times, etc. that list is always in flux. you would never really be able to commit because you'd always be going back and forth about your "feeling." if you loved someone with only feeling then you would get caught up in the moment. they are "perfect." that feeling overrides all logic. who cares if they are a drug addict or abusive (these are extreme of course). but maybe that feeling is just coming from a physical connection... now feelings and connections can compensate for a lot of cons, but it's the overlap of feelings and logic--our gut--where we find that right balance. love will require compromise, but not more than our logic will allow.
love is more than an emotion.
when your love for someone doesn't fluctuate with a pros and cons list, it allows you to separate love from other fleeting emotions. love becomes more than just an emotion. it stays in the background even when you are angry, sad, frustrated, confused, etc. with that same person. that love becomes a foundation that allows you to work through the other feelings. if that base wasn't there those feelings could damage the relationship because love was replaced with those feelings. if love is the base, but it isn't trusted to be enough to keep the relationship together, then the feelings will be buried and eventually they will crack the foundation.
love changes us.
loving god changes our behavior, but it requires choice and action. the same is true when love occurs between a husband and wife, a parent and a child, siblings or friends. loving anyone requires a choice and action. feeling is involved as well. but i think it is bundled differently depending on the relationship. obviously, romantic feelings are needed in a romantic relationship. you don't just have to date or marry someone because logic says so. however, at a certain point, a choice is made to actively be in a relationship with someone or to love them unconditionally--to not exact over them.
to love someone is to really know them.
when you are able to see and know another person for who they are, weaknesses and all, that is when you can really love them. i have known some people whose weaknesses are off-putting to me, while others are endearing because they make that person human to me. i don't really know what the difference is. was my heart more open? did i personally understand their weaknesses more fully? do i struggle from the same weaknesses? or was it a feeling of love for those people that allowed me to see how their weaknesses made them beautiful and the strength they now had because of their weaknesses?
love is godly.
i told someone once that i felt needy for wanting to love and be loved. they quickly responded that the desire to love and be loved is of god. our spirits long for it. when we participate in love, we participate in the things of god because we are learning to see and care for one of his children the way he sees and cares for them. unconditionally.
love is painful.
the fight to find love is painful and exhausting. waiting, trying, opening, sharing, giving, compromising, talking, etc. require all of us. and yet every time we enter a relationship we do it knowing it will be hard and painful and most likely we will breakup. whether the relationship was filled with real love or if the breakup is mutual, breakups are hard... in unique ways. there is no way to avoid this. this is the battlefield pat benatar spoke about. we have to know it's what we're signing up for.
love comes to us differently.
for some love comes quickly. for others it takes time. some need friendship first. some need to build trust first. some dive in head first with their feelings. i don't believe these differences prevent relationships from forming. but just like the love languages, we have to be aware of these differences. if we really care for someone we should be willing to fight for the relationship.
compromising vs. settling.
i feel that one of the hardest things for my generation is to compromise without settling. this is where the gut is important. when it comes to marriage, this is the one person you choose to be bound to. don't settle--it's so important to find a good partner for life! but you can't look for perfection either. you have weaknesses and baggage. so do they. "you are both gonna have to be willing to sit in each other's messes." and you'll both have to encourage and help each other with your messes.
love builds from the inside out.
everything we learn from our parents about unconditional love builds and strengthens our internal acceptance and love for ourselves because we know we are enough! that confidence is what allows us to turn outward and love those around us. is love selfless? yes. however, those with the self-confidence also know what they need. those who know what unconditional love feels like, know when they don't feel that from someone and are willing to fight for what they know exists and that they deserve. selfless doesn't mean stay in relationships that aren't right.
love requires authenticity.
in order to truly love and be loved, we have to be ourselves. and we have to love in our authentic way. of course, the way we love someone adjusts based on their needs. we have to accept, love and validate our own needs before we'll be able to really tell someone we love about those needs. and we have to be open to the possibility that they may not be willing to give you what you need. when that happens, a decision has to be made. the decision is not about whether or not it was "right" to ask for what you needed, but instead, how important is it? if it is important, why would you want to be with someone who didn't care about your needs?
here are some of my thoughts and questions...
we are here in this life to learn how to love despite our human weaknesses.
the feeling of love may be natural, but the actions that should actually accompany love are not always as natural. or maybe they are, but people say they love someone when they don't, but they just wish they did or they mistakenly classify their fear of being alone as love. real love requires effort, but maybe the desire to make that effort is easy?
is there a difference between love and unconditional love?
or is the true essence of love, unconditional? we are first supposed to learn about love from our parents. they tell us they love us throughout our childhood and as we get older we test to see whether or not that love is unconditional. some learn it is and then they have a healthy foundation to go through their lives knowing when they have felt love for and from another. others learn love is conditional and struggle to meet those conditions in each relationship. sometimes these people never even know if they have experienced unconditional love because even if their significant other felt that type of love for them, they wouldn't be able to recognize it and/or they would assume their own conditions for that person to really love them. what an exhausting way to live. these parents, who generally try their best to love, may not realize how pivotal this piece is to a child's foundation. their love can typify god's love for them. if they don't experience unconditional love from their earthly father, how hard will it be for them to understand unconditional love from their heavenly father?
love is in our gut.
to love someone logically means you have an ongoing pros and cons list about that person in your head. when they have more pros--that means you should love them, so you do. when they have more cons, the opposite occurs. but almost anyone could tell you that the people they love irritate them at times, hurt them at times, etc. that list is always in flux. you would never really be able to commit because you'd always be going back and forth about your "feeling." if you loved someone with only feeling then you would get caught up in the moment. they are "perfect." that feeling overrides all logic. who cares if they are a drug addict or abusive (these are extreme of course). but maybe that feeling is just coming from a physical connection... now feelings and connections can compensate for a lot of cons, but it's the overlap of feelings and logic--our gut--where we find that right balance. love will require compromise, but not more than our logic will allow.
love is more than an emotion.
when your love for someone doesn't fluctuate with a pros and cons list, it allows you to separate love from other fleeting emotions. love becomes more than just an emotion. it stays in the background even when you are angry, sad, frustrated, confused, etc. with that same person. that love becomes a foundation that allows you to work through the other feelings. if that base wasn't there those feelings could damage the relationship because love was replaced with those feelings. if love is the base, but it isn't trusted to be enough to keep the relationship together, then the feelings will be buried and eventually they will crack the foundation.
love changes us.
loving god changes our behavior, but it requires choice and action. the same is true when love occurs between a husband and wife, a parent and a child, siblings or friends. loving anyone requires a choice and action. feeling is involved as well. but i think it is bundled differently depending on the relationship. obviously, romantic feelings are needed in a romantic relationship. you don't just have to date or marry someone because logic says so. however, at a certain point, a choice is made to actively be in a relationship with someone or to love them unconditionally--to not exact over them.
to love someone is to really know them.
when you are able to see and know another person for who they are, weaknesses and all, that is when you can really love them. i have known some people whose weaknesses are off-putting to me, while others are endearing because they make that person human to me. i don't really know what the difference is. was my heart more open? did i personally understand their weaknesses more fully? do i struggle from the same weaknesses? or was it a feeling of love for those people that allowed me to see how their weaknesses made them beautiful and the strength they now had because of their weaknesses?
love is godly.
i told someone once that i felt needy for wanting to love and be loved. they quickly responded that the desire to love and be loved is of god. our spirits long for it. when we participate in love, we participate in the things of god because we are learning to see and care for one of his children the way he sees and cares for them. unconditionally.
love is painful.
the fight to find love is painful and exhausting. waiting, trying, opening, sharing, giving, compromising, talking, etc. require all of us. and yet every time we enter a relationship we do it knowing it will be hard and painful and most likely we will breakup. whether the relationship was filled with real love or if the breakup is mutual, breakups are hard... in unique ways. there is no way to avoid this. this is the battlefield pat benatar spoke about. we have to know it's what we're signing up for.
love comes to us differently.
for some love comes quickly. for others it takes time. some need friendship first. some need to build trust first. some dive in head first with their feelings. i don't believe these differences prevent relationships from forming. but just like the love languages, we have to be aware of these differences. if we really care for someone we should be willing to fight for the relationship.
compromising vs. settling.
i feel that one of the hardest things for my generation is to compromise without settling. this is where the gut is important. when it comes to marriage, this is the one person you choose to be bound to. don't settle--it's so important to find a good partner for life! but you can't look for perfection either. you have weaknesses and baggage. so do they. "you are both gonna have to be willing to sit in each other's messes." and you'll both have to encourage and help each other with your messes.
love builds from the inside out.
everything we learn from our parents about unconditional love builds and strengthens our internal acceptance and love for ourselves because we know we are enough! that confidence is what allows us to turn outward and love those around us. is love selfless? yes. however, those with the self-confidence also know what they need. those who know what unconditional love feels like, know when they don't feel that from someone and are willing to fight for what they know exists and that they deserve. selfless doesn't mean stay in relationships that aren't right.
love requires authenticity.
in order to truly love and be loved, we have to be ourselves. and we have to love in our authentic way. of course, the way we love someone adjusts based on their needs. we have to accept, love and validate our own needs before we'll be able to really tell someone we love about those needs. and we have to be open to the possibility that they may not be willing to give you what you need. when that happens, a decision has to be made. the decision is not about whether or not it was "right" to ask for what you needed, but instead, how important is it? if it is important, why would you want to be with someone who didn't care about your needs?
Sunday, February 8, 2015
finding peace
when my dad first passed away i felt i had to take on the role of making sure everything was in order—my mother’s finances, other’s emotions, the funeral arrangements, etc. i honestly don’t remember crying a lot. i had a testimony of eternal families, the blessings of the temple and I knew I would see my dad again. i truly felt the power of the holy ghost carrying me through this time. that sounds like the a good end to the story—sounds like i found peace! but then real life settled in and I cried all the time, i missed him. missing him turned into being mad that he wasn’t here. being mad turned into feeling as though i had lost some bet—i was the unlucky one to lose their father! why me?!? there were moments and conversations we never got to have and issues (born from misunderstanding and miscommunication) we never got to overcome! i remained in this sad, confused and frustrated state on the inside, but on the outside i would say all of the “right” things—all the things i knew to be true about eternal families because i was trying to be faithful.
one day i met a man and i asked him what he did for a living, he taught grief counseling at a local university. i inquired about what he actually taught his students. “well,” he said, “grieving is a necessary part of the process of healing from loss. and it’s interesting that in our culture (the lds church) where we have so much light and truth about eternal families, we think that means we can’t be sad—that we can’t grieve because if we’re sad and grieve then that means we don’t have a testimony of those eternal truths.” this was exactly what i was doing. i thought it was wrong to be sad. i mean, i would never admit that to anyone, but something inside me thought it was unfaithful! of course, i started crying as he said this and we had a sweet talk after, but what he said changed me. i finally allowed myself to be sad—or mad—whatever my feelings were, i allowed myself to feel them because then i could let the Lord in to teach me and heal me--and he did!
God sent us to the earth in families so we could learn what it means to be in a family, what it means to be a father, mother, sibling or child. families are essential to His plan. families are where we first learn about unconditional love. knowing all of this, why would God think i was unfaithful because I was sad? we should be sad if we lose a loved one. if we remembered our interactions with our heavenly father from the pre-existence, i believe we would feel that loss and separation. i believe our spirits know that separation so they yearn for the things of the spirit—to feel close to our heavenly father. now, this isn’t to say that we should be angry at the world and mean to others. that's not what i gave myself permission to do! i just gave myself permission to feel the feelings God sent me to the earth to feel. and the feelings i had, but didn’t want (like being mad) i admitted and asked the Lord to heal me.
allowing myself to feel, remaining close to the spirit and asking God the real questions has helped me to find peace through this experience. God didn’t ask me to go through it alone. he has been with me whenever i turned to him. and through this healing process i have had several experiences which have confirmed to me that my father loves me and watches over me today. he loves me today even more than he did while on the earth because his perspective is not clouded by his human imperfections. if it was necessary to my salvation that he was still here, he would be here. this experience has brought more unity and understanding to our family. he is watching over our family and is still the patriarch of our family, but he carries out that role in a different way now. he was needed on the other side for an important work—a piece of the missionary work we participate in on this side. i learned these things by asking the questions and remaining close to the spirit. and these things have made my testimony of eternal families so much stronger than before, but it required actively learning it. not just saying it.
my journey to finding peace has been very different from other people I know who have lost a loved one. everyone's is unique. that is one of the most powerful things I have learned through this experience—we are all different so our experience and our feelings are so very different! And the Lord will help us in our individual ways if we turn to him because NO ONE BUT CHRIST UNDERSTANDS OR WILL EVER UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! trust in him and his atoning power.
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