i've had this feeling for a while. probably most of my life. this feeling of being unsettled. i try to hide it. for some reason i try to hide these feelings that are so natural to {hopefully} everyone. how could you admit to your parents, your friends, your boss, boys you like or to the world that you don't know what you're doing? that you don't know what you want?
perhaps a traumatic experience as a child has encouraged this behavior. or maybe i'm just like everybody else. and we're all hiding a truth that could bring us closer together. i see now that the longer i hide that truth, the more unsettled i feel. others give suggestions for my life and in an effort to hide the truth -- even from myself -- i believe that i'm supposed to follow through on their suggestion. unfortunately, my insides, the ones that are deep down, still know that i'm hiding and they scream out saying "NO!" because even though i don't know what i want, i know i don't want that. at least not right now. this leaves me feeling unsettled and frustrated that i don't have a plan to share with them so they stop planning for me. not that i should have to prove my case.
we live in a world with millions of options open to us. doesn't that mean that we should have more time to decide? or do we ever have to officially decide? does it make you a less attractive person to not know exactly what you want to do? or does it make you a less attractive person to not embrace that truth?
i've decided to be brave. to embrace that truth about who i am today. to commit to the things i'm doing and to give all of myself to the things that excite me and bring me joy. so to everyone out there that might find fault in my lack of 5 or 10 year plan -- i don't care! and i say that in the kindest way possible because i know you mean well. but i am choosing to be ok with it even if you think you know what will be best.
in this world with a lot of options and a lot of areas where right and wrong are subjective -- i must be the discoverer of my life, of the path i will take. or i will never be fully committed to it. until then i must gain confidence in my lack of a plan.
Oh Whitney. This was too perfect. I also battle with that unsettling feeling of needing to live true, but wanting to guard myself from the possible pains of being vulnerable and uncertain. But I think we are more attractive when we are honest and humble and yes, vulnerable. My favorite line of this post was your pledge to "to commit to the things i'm doing and to give all of myself to the things that excite me and bring me joy." I need to join you in that same effort. To be confident and commited in the choices of today - in who I am today... knowing the rest will come. Day by day.
ReplyDelete(Have you ever watched Brene Brown's TED talks on vulnerability? I'm going to watch those again this week...).