ever since i was a kid i was intrigued by family history. my grandfather had a huge scroll on the wall of his office which followed one of his lines from himself all the way back. i was fascinated by it. i just wanted to see the names--to see sir thomas whitney or king such and such. i guess i felt special by association or that i was a part of something so much bigger than myself. i was named after my grandfather, the grandfather with the scroll, and i remember my grandmother would always tell me that maybe, as his name sake, i was supposed to carry on the work.
during my first year of college i read the autobiography of my 3rd great-grandmother. as i read her words i felt connected to her. she wasn't just interesting anymore. she was a part of me. the life i was living was a result of the sacrifices she made. when i discovered we had similar gifts and talents, i felt a responsibility to use those gifts and talents wisely--in a way that would make her proud. this experience changed me. i felt a need to know where my ancestors came from, the trials they endured, why they made the decisions they made and truly understand their piece in the legacy left for me.
this is a feeling i believe everyone will experience at some point in their life. it's too important to not. that understanding of and love for our ancestors changes us. it brings clarity and corrects our perspective of the world around us. recently, i have found some of the sweetest joy in helping those around me have that experience. i know what that spirit feels like and to watch someone feel that spirit and watch their heart expand is so beautiful and precious to me.
i love helping people experience this. i, myself, am not an expert, but to share what i know and feel as though i have helped someone grow closer to their ancestors, the lord and even their family still living is a such a sweet blessing. i am so grateful for this little spark that was placed inside of me at such a young age. over the past two years, especially, my testimony of eternal families has grown tremendously. instead of just feeling gratitude for the legacy left for me, i am becoming more aware of the legacy i will leave behind. i imagine being handed a large, unfinished tapestry with rows and rows already woven into it. i am to weave a few rows and then pass it on, mistakes and all, to those who will come after me.
one of the main points of family history is to gather. you gather everything you have on your ancestors. you gather together your family on earth. and you share the stories you have gathered with your gathered family. through that process, we are all brought together. we learn from the past to help build the future. in order for us to weave our rows in the tapestry, we must see the rows woven before. we are bound together in that tapestry and what a beautiful tapestry it is!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
the "m" word.
the infamous "m" word. you know, that word that no one wants to admit they're thinking about... but really what single adult isn't? and what single adult shouldn't? i don't mean that it should preoccupy our time to the point that we spiral into despair, but we should be thinking about it.
so i admit. i've been thinking about it. and these are my thoughts.
the list...
the older you get, the longer your list of wants (or as we see them "needs") becomes. it makes sense. you date a lot. you see a lot of relationships. you start to pick up on qualities and attributes (and maybe even accomplishments) that you feel will make or break a relationship. unfortunately, the longer our list becomes, the harder it is to find someone to fit it. but this is ok, right? i mean, we don't have to settle. this is the one person that you choose to be related to--better find the right person!
well, it's probably different for each person, but i've started to see that my list has been off a little. maybe, instead of my list constantly growing, it should be influx constantly--expanding and narrowing--to help me get to a real list of the most important things.
but checklists can be deceiving. so maybe it should be a list of questions!
* how do they make you feel about yourself?
* do they encourage you/make you want to be better?
* do they make you happy/laugh?
* do you admire them?
* do you desire/enjoy making them happy and serving them?
* can you communicate?
* are you attracted to/connected with them physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally?
* do you have similar/mesh-able hopes and dreams for the future?
* do you believe in them?
* do you trust them?
...hmm...
the guarantee...
divorce is rampant. how do you know they won't change their mind? or give up? how do you know you won't?
well, you can't know. there is no guarantee.
when everyone has their agency and nothing is guaranteed, how can we place so much faith in another mortal?
if you include the lord then you aren't merely trusting another mortal. the lord will never fail you. that doesn't mean it will be perfect. it means that it will be on the path to perfection. that path requires change. change is never easy.
i've spent many hours of my life pondering over this one--how to prevent divorce. i have come up with some things to help, but in the end, this is what it does down to. faith and trust in the lord. the most meaningful and life changing events in our lives are those that require the most faith. no wonder the "m" word and having kids are so life changing. there are no guarantees. they require every ounce of faith you've got.
the choice...
a friend of mine recognized that the older her friends got married the less they were "caught up in the moment" and "madly, deeply in love." instead, it was a choice. well, as depressing as that sounds, i'm starting to see how true it is. you should love them and be in love with them. but loving someone is not loving their perfection. the only way to truly love someone is to know them, see their strengths and weaknesses and love all of those things because they make them who they are. their weaknesses are what change them and make them better. and the weaknesses of both partners and the relationship are what change the relationship and make it better--when we turn to the lord.
in our world today, satan teaches us to fear weaknesses. so we run away from relationships with people who have weaknesses or who see/address/or make us see our own because we don't want to deal with their imperfections or admit our own. he wants us to believe that weaknesses and imperfections are scary and bad and be blinded to the potential and power that are within them. if we hide them away, our shame grows and our ability to love ourselves and others diminishes. if we are open about them, we have no shame, our ability to love ourselves and others increases and we can be changed. (please understand that when i say weakness, i don't mean they are abusive or addicted to video games. i mean, they are imperfect. and most importantly, they know they are imperfect.)
so yes, we choose. but hopefully making the choice with widened eyes allows us to love them more.
the choice isn't just made once. it's made every day.
...just some thoughts...
so i admit. i've been thinking about it. and these are my thoughts.
the list...
the older you get, the longer your list of wants (or as we see them "needs") becomes. it makes sense. you date a lot. you see a lot of relationships. you start to pick up on qualities and attributes (and maybe even accomplishments) that you feel will make or break a relationship. unfortunately, the longer our list becomes, the harder it is to find someone to fit it. but this is ok, right? i mean, we don't have to settle. this is the one person that you choose to be related to--better find the right person!
well, it's probably different for each person, but i've started to see that my list has been off a little. maybe, instead of my list constantly growing, it should be influx constantly--expanding and narrowing--to help me get to a real list of the most important things.
but checklists can be deceiving. so maybe it should be a list of questions!
* how do they make you feel about yourself?
* do they encourage you/make you want to be better?
* do they make you happy/laugh?
* do you admire them?
* do you desire/enjoy making them happy and serving them?
* can you communicate?
* are you attracted to/connected with them physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally?
* do you have similar/mesh-able hopes and dreams for the future?
* do you believe in them?
* do you trust them?
...hmm...
the guarantee...
divorce is rampant. how do you know they won't change their mind? or give up? how do you know you won't?
well, you can't know. there is no guarantee.
when everyone has their agency and nothing is guaranteed, how can we place so much faith in another mortal?
if you include the lord then you aren't merely trusting another mortal. the lord will never fail you. that doesn't mean it will be perfect. it means that it will be on the path to perfection. that path requires change. change is never easy.
i've spent many hours of my life pondering over this one--how to prevent divorce. i have come up with some things to help, but in the end, this is what it does down to. faith and trust in the lord. the most meaningful and life changing events in our lives are those that require the most faith. no wonder the "m" word and having kids are so life changing. there are no guarantees. they require every ounce of faith you've got.
the choice...
a friend of mine recognized that the older her friends got married the less they were "caught up in the moment" and "madly, deeply in love." instead, it was a choice. well, as depressing as that sounds, i'm starting to see how true it is. you should love them and be in love with them. but loving someone is not loving their perfection. the only way to truly love someone is to know them, see their strengths and weaknesses and love all of those things because they make them who they are. their weaknesses are what change them and make them better. and the weaknesses of both partners and the relationship are what change the relationship and make it better--when we turn to the lord.
in our world today, satan teaches us to fear weaknesses. so we run away from relationships with people who have weaknesses or who see/address/or make us see our own because we don't want to deal with their imperfections or admit our own. he wants us to believe that weaknesses and imperfections are scary and bad and be blinded to the potential and power that are within them. if we hide them away, our shame grows and our ability to love ourselves and others diminishes. if we are open about them, we have no shame, our ability to love ourselves and others increases and we can be changed. (please understand that when i say weakness, i don't mean they are abusive or addicted to video games. i mean, they are imperfect. and most importantly, they know they are imperfect.)
so yes, we choose. but hopefully making the choice with widened eyes allows us to love them more.
the choice isn't just made once. it's made every day.
...just some thoughts...
Thursday, September 11, 2014
the honest truth.
here is the honest truth--the dark & twisty & life-changing truth i have experienced recently.
after my dad passed away i was sad. i missed him. there was so much i had not been able to tell him or share or experience with him & there were thoughts & feelings that were unresolved. it hurt enough that for a time i pulled away from god. not because i was mad, but because i felt i needed to get over it. i couldn't pray because if i did, i would cry. it wasn't letting up & i couldn't continue going to work with cry headaches from the night before. so i numbed myself from feeling. a few months later i began applying the atonement to comfort me in my sadness; to believe that someday i would understand why--in a very logical way. eventually, i hardly every thought about my dad. so much so that when i began therapy, his death was initially only mentioned in passing. she asked if i had dealt with it. i said that i thought so. i explained that i wasn't really sad, in fact, i rarely thought of him. she told me i probably hadn't, but i don't think i believed her.
well, over the next several months i found myself working through those unresolved thoughts & feelings. i had to force myself to feel & to honor those feelings, no matter what they were. through that process i wasn't just sad he was gone, but upset that i had not had a perfect relationship with him. i knew i was to blame for part of that, but i became so frustrated & mad at him for not being the dad i deserved--a perfect dad. i spent a lot of time pondering about all of the things a father should do & be & all i saw was what he was lacking. i was bugged, mad, angry, sad, & jealous of my sisters who didn't seem to feel this way (& who obviously had a different relationship with him). i was so devoid of loving feelings that father's day was extremely upsetting. i didn't feel how everyone else did. that feeling lingered & i was kind of losing hope that i would ever feel differently toward him. there was so much pain that i associated to him. how could i separate them without choosing to not honor my pain? i didn't see this pain going anywhere, any time soon. & to make the situation worse, i found myself angry at god for giving me an imperfect father & then taking him away before our relationship could grow & our issues could be resolved.
after months of this i saw a flicker of hope. in a quiet moment i saw his name on a piece of paper, where he was listed as my father. i was completely overwhelmed with love for him. i missed him! it sounds silly, but i hadn't felt that way in a long time. i had experienced a sliver of what i hoped to feel at some future point.
a couple weeks later, a friend & i were discussing the sacrifices parents make for children in order for them to grow up in an environment where they can experience the gospel, etc. he said, "well, that's the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children, right?" it got me thinking, if heart turning requires sacrifice, then what is the sacrifice to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers? people often attribute that to the sacrifice of researching your ancestors for family history, but as i pondered more about this i realized that the sacrifice children can make is to forgive their parents of their weaknesses & imperfections. in that moment i felt that it was time to let go of these feelings. i wrestled with the thought of letting go & questioned how that would even work. was i really just going to decide i was over it? how was i going to let go without just hiding away my feelings? i trusted & i let go.
what glorious freedom, love & peace i have felt since that moment! i have been able to see so much more than i would've been able to without letting go. my pain has been separated from my dad. i see him as a complete, although imperfect, person--just like me. i had been so blinded by his weaknesses that i hadn't seen all of the good he did & was. i had been holding onto the pain so that he would feel bad. but i think he knows. he probably wishes it could've been different, that he had been more perfect--just as i will probably feel with my children.
i am so grateful to have experienced the healing power of the atonement. i thought i understood, but i had no idea. i had only understood it as a power of comfort, not of healing. the only way for us to be completely healed is to be completely open with the lord about the pain. it took me digging all the way to the depth of my pain to be healed. he cannot heal us if we try to fool the world & him into thinking we are perfect. the power of the atonement is necessary, beautiful & real. it truly is the greatest gift i could ever receive. i need to understand it more fully & feel it more in my life through the application of faith, but it is real. i don't regret having the feelings i had because i now understand what it means to have my sorrow become my joy!
eternal families are central to god's plan for us. it is an eternal truth. if we turn from that truth we will become hardened & not have the light & knowledge we need to combat satan. learning to love, sacrificing for those we love & recognizing the power of the atonement in their lives is what eternal families are for. those bonds & covenants are made in holy temples of god by the power of the priesthood on the earth, but they are maintained through sacrifice & love.
we have a responsibility to build upon the good foundation our parents left for us. until i let go, i hadn't realized all of the ways my dad sacrificed for me so that i could have the gospel in my life--to have more than he had from his father. we should recognize the good, forgive the bad & make the foundation a little stronger & the environment a little brighter for the next generation. & we will continue to grow brighter & brighter until the perfect day!
i love you dad--thank you.
after my dad passed away i was sad. i missed him. there was so much i had not been able to tell him or share or experience with him & there were thoughts & feelings that were unresolved. it hurt enough that for a time i pulled away from god. not because i was mad, but because i felt i needed to get over it. i couldn't pray because if i did, i would cry. it wasn't letting up & i couldn't continue going to work with cry headaches from the night before. so i numbed myself from feeling. a few months later i began applying the atonement to comfort me in my sadness; to believe that someday i would understand why--in a very logical way. eventually, i hardly every thought about my dad. so much so that when i began therapy, his death was initially only mentioned in passing. she asked if i had dealt with it. i said that i thought so. i explained that i wasn't really sad, in fact, i rarely thought of him. she told me i probably hadn't, but i don't think i believed her.
well, over the next several months i found myself working through those unresolved thoughts & feelings. i had to force myself to feel & to honor those feelings, no matter what they were. through that process i wasn't just sad he was gone, but upset that i had not had a perfect relationship with him. i knew i was to blame for part of that, but i became so frustrated & mad at him for not being the dad i deserved--a perfect dad. i spent a lot of time pondering about all of the things a father should do & be & all i saw was what he was lacking. i was bugged, mad, angry, sad, & jealous of my sisters who didn't seem to feel this way (& who obviously had a different relationship with him). i was so devoid of loving feelings that father's day was extremely upsetting. i didn't feel how everyone else did. that feeling lingered & i was kind of losing hope that i would ever feel differently toward him. there was so much pain that i associated to him. how could i separate them without choosing to not honor my pain? i didn't see this pain going anywhere, any time soon. & to make the situation worse, i found myself angry at god for giving me an imperfect father & then taking him away before our relationship could grow & our issues could be resolved.
after months of this i saw a flicker of hope. in a quiet moment i saw his name on a piece of paper, where he was listed as my father. i was completely overwhelmed with love for him. i missed him! it sounds silly, but i hadn't felt that way in a long time. i had experienced a sliver of what i hoped to feel at some future point.
a couple weeks later, a friend & i were discussing the sacrifices parents make for children in order for them to grow up in an environment where they can experience the gospel, etc. he said, "well, that's the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children, right?" it got me thinking, if heart turning requires sacrifice, then what is the sacrifice to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers? people often attribute that to the sacrifice of researching your ancestors for family history, but as i pondered more about this i realized that the sacrifice children can make is to forgive their parents of their weaknesses & imperfections. in that moment i felt that it was time to let go of these feelings. i wrestled with the thought of letting go & questioned how that would even work. was i really just going to decide i was over it? how was i going to let go without just hiding away my feelings? i trusted & i let go.
{cue imagery of a child finally letting go of the side of the pool
so they can leap to grab their father's outstretched hands.}
what glorious freedom, love & peace i have felt since that moment! i have been able to see so much more than i would've been able to without letting go. my pain has been separated from my dad. i see him as a complete, although imperfect, person--just like me. i had been so blinded by his weaknesses that i hadn't seen all of the good he did & was. i had been holding onto the pain so that he would feel bad. but i think he knows. he probably wishes it could've been different, that he had been more perfect--just as i will probably feel with my children.
i am so grateful to have experienced the healing power of the atonement. i thought i understood, but i had no idea. i had only understood it as a power of comfort, not of healing. the only way for us to be completely healed is to be completely open with the lord about the pain. it took me digging all the way to the depth of my pain to be healed. he cannot heal us if we try to fool the world & him into thinking we are perfect. the power of the atonement is necessary, beautiful & real. it truly is the greatest gift i could ever receive. i need to understand it more fully & feel it more in my life through the application of faith, but it is real. i don't regret having the feelings i had because i now understand what it means to have my sorrow become my joy!
eternal families are central to god's plan for us. it is an eternal truth. if we turn from that truth we will become hardened & not have the light & knowledge we need to combat satan. learning to love, sacrificing for those we love & recognizing the power of the atonement in their lives is what eternal families are for. those bonds & covenants are made in holy temples of god by the power of the priesthood on the earth, but they are maintained through sacrifice & love.
we have a responsibility to build upon the good foundation our parents left for us. until i let go, i hadn't realized all of the ways my dad sacrificed for me so that i could have the gospel in my life--to have more than he had from his father. we should recognize the good, forgive the bad & make the foundation a little stronger & the environment a little brighter for the next generation. & we will continue to grow brighter & brighter until the perfect day!
i love you dad--thank you.
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