it's a little late, but i still feel the need to go back and remind myself of all the amazing things I've been able to see, do, and accomplish in my life. especially since i know i will look back on these days of being single, living in the avenues, working for familysearch, fondly.
*2016 began with kon mari. I came home from guatemala with a realization of how unimportant and pointless all of my"stuff" was. i got rid over over half my clothes, organized, and felt ready for the year.
*many late nights at work with david and trish, working on what is now remembered as the famous "thermometer presentation"... the one where someone had an idea and asked us to put data behind it.
*we played with the dna of strawberries at work.
*transferred the oscar golden barbie to alex.
*took a spontaneous sunday road trip to the salt flats with jill, abby, and john. most beautiful place.
*traveled to las vegas for an early birthday weekend with jana. tickets to "o" by cirque de soleil, delicious food, and shopping. best surprise.
*traveled to florida for the ngs conference/county archive research with karina. late night walks on the beach, good food, lots learned, great weekend in key west... and i even got to have dinner with sam and his fiancé christina.
*had a wonderful birthday weekend with the girls -- dinner at tin angel cafe, dessert at gourmandise, hot tub and sleepover at a hotel!
*became obsessed with hamilton.
*got a pie to the face.
*traveled to st. george/zions with the girls. almost froze to death in the narrows, but alyssa and abby encouraged me and we persevered.
*traveled to kauai with my family. what a blessing to revisit such a special place to us and share it with the kids--can we go back tomorrow?--we ate at lapperts, went horseback riding, hiked, went tubing, ate hula pie, went on a train ride, took thousands of pictures, experienced the queens bath, I got to stay a night in honolulu and see pearl harbor (such a sweet experience).
*went to strawberry days with the girls.
*traveled to england for work. visited cornwall, newquay, walked the steps of tintagel castle, leicester, bamburgh castle, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Gretna green, search for cemeteries in dumfries, walked along the river ribble, aberystwyth, cardiff, swansea, whitney-on-wye, spent my weekends with chris and his sweet family in billingham, then to london where I caught up with ferme (involving indian food of course), saw phantom of the opera and les mis in the west end, and ate more delicious food... what a blessing to have traveled all over the uk visiting archives in cornwall, oxford, dudley, bristol, nottingham, tyne-and-wear, edinburgh, glasgow, lancashire, aberystwyth, cardiff, swansea, and suffolk.
*traveled to rome with andy. what an amazing 3 days. i could've walked those streets for days... more than i did. and i could've eaten more than 3 gelatos a day...
*introduced the kids to snapchat.
*traveled to new york to visit shanti for her birthday. now that's when we ate all the things. we saw an american in paris--the night of the bombing. i love that lady and all she teaches me.
*we said farewell to our beloved ysa bishopric - bishop price and his wife, julie, will always be some of the dearest people i know.
*the girls and i celebrated halloween at frightmares and the corn maze. never scared and always the first one out.
*bought a new car - mazda cx-5.
*traveled to las vegas with risi to take jana to boyz ii men for her birthday. amazing. best concert.
*voted.
*court side seats to the jazz.
*sang for the 70s christmas devotional. one of my favorite experiences.
*christmas was big - jana got hamilton in chicago and i got paris for my birthday. 2017 is bound to be one busy and exciting year.
*finally measured the sisters heights on moms wall to end the debate. risi, angie and i are basically tired for shortest.
*went to the zoo.
*best new years eve ever. big friend dinner at tin angel cafe.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Sunday, January 3, 2016
regrets.
lately, i've been thinking a lot about regrets. i know i shouldn't
dwell on them, but last night as i reflected on the past year and what i
wanted from this year, my mind kept bringing up regrets from the past
year. i allowed them in and pondered about them. my conclusion? at least
in my case, these regrets help me make plans for this new year. the
things that i regret are things i don't want to regret again.
this isn't about focusing on all the bad of the past year. this is about recognizing and accepting that there were choices i made that i shouldn't have and i don't want to make again. there were things i didn't do that i should've. not because everything would be drastically different and my life would be perfect, but because i wouldn't have these lingering questions, these what ifs.
one of my biggest regrets was my lack of focus on the important things. i always felt as though i was playing catch-up. i didn't have the energy or the time to ponder the greater significance about what was happening because i wasn't in tune with myself--where i was, what i needed, what i was looking for. the year flew by without me recognizing my learning along the way. i did learn and grow, but i wasn't always actively participating in the growth.
i think we all regret certain choices we made. but what ifs are another story. i have a lot of them. i try not to think about them. but as i pondered about them yesterday i realized a trend. i don't let go in the moment. i'm too analytical about decisions, particularly with relationships, that i choose to run away in the moment. unfortunately, those moments don't always come around again. they must be seized in that moment. some of them may be mistakes, but at least i won't wonder.
these regrets do not define me. but they help define how i want this year to be different from the last.
this isn't about focusing on all the bad of the past year. this is about recognizing and accepting that there were choices i made that i shouldn't have and i don't want to make again. there were things i didn't do that i should've. not because everything would be drastically different and my life would be perfect, but because i wouldn't have these lingering questions, these what ifs.
one of my biggest regrets was my lack of focus on the important things. i always felt as though i was playing catch-up. i didn't have the energy or the time to ponder the greater significance about what was happening because i wasn't in tune with myself--where i was, what i needed, what i was looking for. the year flew by without me recognizing my learning along the way. i did learn and grow, but i wasn't always actively participating in the growth.
i think we all regret certain choices we made. but what ifs are another story. i have a lot of them. i try not to think about them. but as i pondered about them yesterday i realized a trend. i don't let go in the moment. i'm too analytical about decisions, particularly with relationships, that i choose to run away in the moment. unfortunately, those moments don't always come around again. they must be seized in that moment. some of them may be mistakes, but at least i won't wonder.
these regrets do not define me. but they help define how i want this year to be different from the last.
2015 review.
*cut my hair. it's amazing how much i had attached to my hair. somehow all of those mary experiences were tied up in that hair. no more. because the hair doesn't matter.
*went to the tracy aviary with the smiley's so britta could see all the birds.
*took tolton on a date to color me mine for his christmas present where he "accidentally" painted on my hand.
*celebrated president's day with donuts for breakfast with friends.
*poker night became a regular thing.
*took a pole dancing class for nicole's birthday. super fun and difficult. glad the room was only filled with friends.
*traveled to goblin valley with brian.
*went to the drum circle with friends.
*found more acquire friends in brian and rob.
*mom redid her kitchen.
*saw "once" exactly 3 years after i saw it the first time on broadway. that music.
*traveled to europe for work. traveled to england (liverpool, manchester, york, billingham, middlesbrough, saltburn, durham, london, preston), isle of mann, iceland, ireland (dublin) and scotland (edingburgh) with chris. went to a real football match and saw the boro win! went to a frankie and the heartstrings concert with andy. ate fresh lobster in iceland with erikur (archivist/ tour guide). ate more chocolate ice cream than should be consumed. got lost with chris while wandering around dublin--8 miles later we got home. ran along the river liffey. caught up with ferne in london and played the day away as tourists and crazy people. took the train to scotland. (over my birthday)
*traveled to new york to visit shanti. we babysat wilde while wandering central park. ate so much delicious food. went to a poetry slam. saw "something rotten" with dan. played acquire. ate delicious chicken and waffles before jumping on the plane.
*started running. really.
*katie moved in a couple doors down. hooray!
*emily and the littles came to my department party. a photo of me and andre became the cover photo for fh5s family section. we're now famous, obviously.
*traveled to bear lake for the ward camp out - or sleep on the floor inside. such a blast to play with these guys and get our raspberry shakes!
*watched karalee as michael jackson. nothing better.
*went to the ingrid michaelson concert with shanti, katie, and shannon. too much fun, but also too much standing.
*traveled to st. george with mom and the smiley's. far too hot. no one should ever go at this time of year. explored the children's museum, hiked around zions for a bit.
*tolton was baptized this year. already 8! such a little man. it's so fun to see him play with britta, now that she's older.
*supported our ward softball team. i'm an amazing cheerleader.
*spotted ty burrell at the slc farmer's market.
*celebrated my birthday with the girls by a dinner at beer bar and dessert at cheesecake factory.
*played around with the littles and became even more obsessed with them. if that was possible.
*celebrated karalee's birthday with breakfast at ruth's diner. love this girl and love watching her and chuck together. so much happiness.
*traveled to st. george to do "our story goes on" at tuachan. what a blessing to do this with them. and with mary jane as my roadtrip buddy? it couldn't possibly have been better.
*traveled to europe for work. traveled to denmark (copenhagen, odense, aalborg, aarhus), sweden (lund, linkoping, stockholm, lulea, orebro), finland (helsinki, turku, vaasa, oulu, rovaniemi) and norway (nordkapp, oslo). visited 4 countries. drove 6,600 km. had 21 meetings. started in denmark with city archives in the west. stayed with torben and his wife just outside copenhagen. ran by the furesoe. watched conference. ate lots of ice cream... drove to sweden, took a ferry to finland and watched old people dance to traditional music, saw the helsinki temple, drove to northern finland, went to the arctic circle and saw the santa claus village, ate reindeer meat, saw the northern lights!, spent the night in inari before starting the trek to nordkapp. too much beauty up there at nordkapp. drove back down through sweden. saw the stockholm temple. got ice cream at my favorite ice cream shop in orebro on our way to oslo. ate indian food because you must. saw gorgeous fall colors everywhere! drove back to copenhagen and i stayed for a few days exploring the city. played with christian (torben's son) and his friends -- going out for food, to see tivoli decked out for halloween, watched a movie, saw the martian, kasper made us dinner, carved a pumpkin. visited some of my favorite places around copenhagen--marble church, saw the copenhagen temple, vor frue kirke, my tree near the kastellet, and ate that salad at heering.
*had dinner with kali. we could've had breakfast since we were there so late talking!
*went to the corn maze with the ward - obviously alyssa, jasmine, and kaite and i were the first ones out since michael jackson led the way.
*traveled to boston with lynde. stayed with angela fisher and visited ben, as promised. saw the historical sights, ate delicious food, had a mini family history vacation in watertown where john whitney lived when he first came to america - visited cemeteries and whitney hill park. went to fenway park, a halloween party (where it was required to dress up as an animal. cat it is), went to louisa may alcotts orchard house, walden pond, and salem (on halloween). there was too much good food, beautiful fall colors and history. it was such a lovely place. and now i've been to boston in the fall.
*traveled to vancouver to visit ferne. this girl is too much. we had far too much fun. got the 3rd degree at immigration, andy picked me up and we met up with ferne at the mall, visited lynn canyon to walk the suspension bridge, but the park was gorgeous! i'm convinced the northwest is the most mystically beautiful place in north america. we played around and drank from the fresh waters, went to the cyprus mountain lookout (which is the perfect spot for an engagement, just sayin), wandered around gastown with andy before we headed to the legion for pool, darts and ping pong. we shopped and had brunch at medina, went to the public market on granville island, and wandered the rainy city before heading to the revel room for some live band and chicken bits, but mostly people watching. went on a 20-mile bike ride in the cold wind around stanley park and the rest of vancouver with andy. it was gorgeous. i love how much there is within such a small area. you are close to whatever you want to experience. the mountains? the beach? downtown? it's amazing. went to the public library and had lunch with andy before heading to the airport. ferne and i had a hot chocolate while we talked.
*had thanksgiving with the family--we ate, played, laughed... it's been a while since we've had that much fun together. what a blessing.
*traveled to guatemala with the kekchi choir. we went to more remote areas where they speak kekchi to put on a fireside for them of christmas songs in kekchi. they only got their hymn book about 3 years ago so these songs in kekchi are new to them. it was such an honor to meet those people and see the life they live. it is so different from mine. although i'm grateful for the luxuries i have in the u.s., they live a simpler life. one that isn't burdened by selfishness. we flew to guatemala and drove to coban, teleman and senahu. from each of those cities, we drove around to nearby villages to visit homes with the branch president -- to sing in their homes. in coban we jumped around puddles in the downpour, ate traditional food and dominos, megan and i slept on chairs one night in fear of bugs, then we braved the bed together, megan, jared, zacc and i went looking for a club and after a miracle, we found el bambu! we wandered through markets, met the people, struggled to communicate, went to a school and mike taught them about music - so fun! my favorite fireside was in chulac--the kids we so fun and everyone was so good to us. they kept offering us food in gratitude. they didn't know that we were the ones who were grateful. while visiting families in seamay, i took my shoes off to get a picture with the kids. those are some of my favorites. they remind me that no matter our nationality, our age, our color, our background, our knowledge, our gender, the lord loves us and knows us all perfectly. we took a ride in the back of a police car - our escorts for the trip. we got on the back of trucks and in the rain rode up the muddy mountain roads for 3 hours until we made it to Yalijux. soaking wet. we ate and then trekked through a muddy corn field for 2 miles to the cave. what a journey to get there! but it was gorgeous. that's life isn't it? mike tried to prepare us, but we didn't know what it would be like. it was a little different for each of us. it was frustrating when i was trying not to get dirty or when i just wanted to be home, dry and warm. but once i embraced it, that frustration went away. this life is not going to be easy. and those times when we think, "i hate that this is so difficult and why does it have to be this way and what did i do to deserve this?" we aren't seeing the big picture. there isn't some magical time in this life when it won't be muddy. we have to forget that and let it be imperfect. satan would have us focus on the "lack" part of our lives in order to prevent us from seeing all the blessings and the beauties along the way and through the trials. it was worth it. i loved seeing so many church buildings on the drive - actual church buildings - 4 of them on that 3 hour drive! the last home we visited was so powerful. the mother had just passed away, a woman mike knew from his mission. i couldn't help but think of my dad as she spoke about her mother. and as i watched the father, weighed down with sadness, i thought of my mother. it's hard enough to lose a parent, but to lose a companion, a best friend, a partner... i can't imagine. i missed him so much and the tears just kept coming. but honestly, i love when that happens. i used to hate it because it happened so frequently that i felt i couldn't do anything else. but feeling emotions that strongly reminds me that i'm alive and that i know what love is. i love him more today, more aware of his weaknesses and imperfections than i did before. at our last fireside, i sat by a christina reyes and another young woman. they both giggled as we tried to practice our pronunciation with them. but christina's spirit was so strong. she stood as a pillar. firm. i loved seeing that.
*got sick at the end of the trip, started getting better, then got the flu, started getting better, then got a cold. my immune system took a hit this month.
*celebrated christmas with the family. christmas is so different now without dad, but every year we try to figure it out. mom, em and i helped the pixies find pajamas, britta got her nails painted, read the christmas story with everyone dressed up (including our little jedi shepherd), played perfect wedding - chris won, made cinnamon rolls.... oh i want one now.... and just enjoyed every minute with my family. it was happier and smoother than i thought. what a blessing!
*was supposed to go to new york, but cancelled the trip since i was sick. and considering how stupid this cold has been, it would've been miserable.
*working on a big presentation at work with our director. another good reason i cancelled new york. it feels so good to contribute to something so important in the progress of this work.
*rang in the new year with alyssa, abby and cassie at the arvo new years eve party. besides the fact that 16+ were invited and it was hot and crowded, it was fun. we're just one year older, and that much more inclined to stay at home and order in indian food to celebrate.
family.
things are going much better. my relationship with my mom is more real and open than it has ever been. during this year, my mom told me she realized our family was broken - from the past and especially since dad passed away. this realization and acceptance is huge for us! but even more than that, she feels a desire and a responsibility to take the lead in healing us. i feel like i'm allowed to not be the mom now. she's got this. it's not my job. things aren't perfect, but there is hope.
friends.
some friends come and go, but some stay true and are worth fighting for. as i look back over this year, i recognize that my closest friends are those with whom i don't spend countless hours with. they aren't my companions. they are my friends, my confidants. over the years, they have proven themselves trustworthy. they love me and believe in me, as i toward them. we don't talk that often, but when we do it's as if no time has passed. i'm grateful for them. i'm grateful for their consistency and their unconditional love and that those relationships push me to change and be better. not because it's required for our friendship, but because they love me and tell me how it is.
job.
this year has been incredible and difficult. after keith and carolyn's retirements i felt very alone and confused by the uk. but it required me to step up and i have. there is still so much to learn, but i feel so much more aware of what needs to happen. the projects i've worked on have also confirmed this to me. this isn't about ego or worth. but it's about confidence. i feel more confident. i allows me to be more honest. it pushes me to step up and figure it out. after jeff was moved to a different team, the same step up has started in the nordic countries. i have to work harder and be more decisive. but i need to let the lord in more to guide his work.
travel.
this has definitely been the year of travel. i've been all over--or at least more than ever before in one year! who could've imagined? this was what i wanted, ever since i was a little girl--to travel for work like my dad. i understand now what he meant about it being more difficult than you would imagine. but it's probably also easier without a family at home. sometimes i joke that this is my consolation prize for not being married. but i actually see it as a great blessing. my understanding of the world, my opinions and beliefs of it and my place in it have grown so much from traveling. i am more aware of what i love, what i believe and through my conversations with others around the world, i gain a greater understanding of what is really happening. i'm not sure why i specifically need these experiences, but they have changed me. they keep me from focusing too much on what is tangible and right in front of me. they broaden my horizons. the trick is to not take the blessing for granted. and i will try hard not to.
what a fantastic year. i'm ready for another one.
*went to the tracy aviary with the smiley's so britta could see all the birds.
*took tolton on a date to color me mine for his christmas present where he "accidentally" painted on my hand.
*celebrated president's day with donuts for breakfast with friends.
*poker night became a regular thing.
*took a pole dancing class for nicole's birthday. super fun and difficult. glad the room was only filled with friends.
*traveled to goblin valley with brian.
*went to the drum circle with friends.
*found more acquire friends in brian and rob.
*mom redid her kitchen.
*saw "once" exactly 3 years after i saw it the first time on broadway. that music.
*traveled to europe for work. traveled to england (liverpool, manchester, york, billingham, middlesbrough, saltburn, durham, london, preston), isle of mann, iceland, ireland (dublin) and scotland (edingburgh) with chris. went to a real football match and saw the boro win! went to a frankie and the heartstrings concert with andy. ate fresh lobster in iceland with erikur (archivist/ tour guide). ate more chocolate ice cream than should be consumed. got lost with chris while wandering around dublin--8 miles later we got home. ran along the river liffey. caught up with ferne in london and played the day away as tourists and crazy people. took the train to scotland. (over my birthday)
*traveled to new york to visit shanti. we babysat wilde while wandering central park. ate so much delicious food. went to a poetry slam. saw "something rotten" with dan. played acquire. ate delicious chicken and waffles before jumping on the plane.
*started running. really.
*katie moved in a couple doors down. hooray!
*emily and the littles came to my department party. a photo of me and andre became the cover photo for fh5s family section. we're now famous, obviously.
*traveled to bear lake for the ward camp out - or sleep on the floor inside. such a blast to play with these guys and get our raspberry shakes!
*watched karalee as michael jackson. nothing better.
*went to the ingrid michaelson concert with shanti, katie, and shannon. too much fun, but also too much standing.
*traveled to st. george with mom and the smiley's. far too hot. no one should ever go at this time of year. explored the children's museum, hiked around zions for a bit.
*tolton was baptized this year. already 8! such a little man. it's so fun to see him play with britta, now that she's older.
*supported our ward softball team. i'm an amazing cheerleader.
*spotted ty burrell at the slc farmer's market.
*celebrated my birthday with the girls by a dinner at beer bar and dessert at cheesecake factory.
*played around with the littles and became even more obsessed with them. if that was possible.
*celebrated karalee's birthday with breakfast at ruth's diner. love this girl and love watching her and chuck together. so much happiness.
*traveled to st. george to do "our story goes on" at tuachan. what a blessing to do this with them. and with mary jane as my roadtrip buddy? it couldn't possibly have been better.
*traveled to europe for work. traveled to denmark (copenhagen, odense, aalborg, aarhus), sweden (lund, linkoping, stockholm, lulea, orebro), finland (helsinki, turku, vaasa, oulu, rovaniemi) and norway (nordkapp, oslo). visited 4 countries. drove 6,600 km. had 21 meetings. started in denmark with city archives in the west. stayed with torben and his wife just outside copenhagen. ran by the furesoe. watched conference. ate lots of ice cream... drove to sweden, took a ferry to finland and watched old people dance to traditional music, saw the helsinki temple, drove to northern finland, went to the arctic circle and saw the santa claus village, ate reindeer meat, saw the northern lights!, spent the night in inari before starting the trek to nordkapp. too much beauty up there at nordkapp. drove back down through sweden. saw the stockholm temple. got ice cream at my favorite ice cream shop in orebro on our way to oslo. ate indian food because you must. saw gorgeous fall colors everywhere! drove back to copenhagen and i stayed for a few days exploring the city. played with christian (torben's son) and his friends -- going out for food, to see tivoli decked out for halloween, watched a movie, saw the martian, kasper made us dinner, carved a pumpkin. visited some of my favorite places around copenhagen--marble church, saw the copenhagen temple, vor frue kirke, my tree near the kastellet, and ate that salad at heering.
*had dinner with kali. we could've had breakfast since we were there so late talking!
*went to the corn maze with the ward - obviously alyssa, jasmine, and kaite and i were the first ones out since michael jackson led the way.
*traveled to boston with lynde. stayed with angela fisher and visited ben, as promised. saw the historical sights, ate delicious food, had a mini family history vacation in watertown where john whitney lived when he first came to america - visited cemeteries and whitney hill park. went to fenway park, a halloween party (where it was required to dress up as an animal. cat it is), went to louisa may alcotts orchard house, walden pond, and salem (on halloween). there was too much good food, beautiful fall colors and history. it was such a lovely place. and now i've been to boston in the fall.
*traveled to vancouver to visit ferne. this girl is too much. we had far too much fun. got the 3rd degree at immigration, andy picked me up and we met up with ferne at the mall, visited lynn canyon to walk the suspension bridge, but the park was gorgeous! i'm convinced the northwest is the most mystically beautiful place in north america. we played around and drank from the fresh waters, went to the cyprus mountain lookout (which is the perfect spot for an engagement, just sayin), wandered around gastown with andy before we headed to the legion for pool, darts and ping pong. we shopped and had brunch at medina, went to the public market on granville island, and wandered the rainy city before heading to the revel room for some live band and chicken bits, but mostly people watching. went on a 20-mile bike ride in the cold wind around stanley park and the rest of vancouver with andy. it was gorgeous. i love how much there is within such a small area. you are close to whatever you want to experience. the mountains? the beach? downtown? it's amazing. went to the public library and had lunch with andy before heading to the airport. ferne and i had a hot chocolate while we talked.
*had thanksgiving with the family--we ate, played, laughed... it's been a while since we've had that much fun together. what a blessing.
*traveled to guatemala with the kekchi choir. we went to more remote areas where they speak kekchi to put on a fireside for them of christmas songs in kekchi. they only got their hymn book about 3 years ago so these songs in kekchi are new to them. it was such an honor to meet those people and see the life they live. it is so different from mine. although i'm grateful for the luxuries i have in the u.s., they live a simpler life. one that isn't burdened by selfishness. we flew to guatemala and drove to coban, teleman and senahu. from each of those cities, we drove around to nearby villages to visit homes with the branch president -- to sing in their homes. in coban we jumped around puddles in the downpour, ate traditional food and dominos, megan and i slept on chairs one night in fear of bugs, then we braved the bed together, megan, jared, zacc and i went looking for a club and after a miracle, we found el bambu! we wandered through markets, met the people, struggled to communicate, went to a school and mike taught them about music - so fun! my favorite fireside was in chulac--the kids we so fun and everyone was so good to us. they kept offering us food in gratitude. they didn't know that we were the ones who were grateful. while visiting families in seamay, i took my shoes off to get a picture with the kids. those are some of my favorites. they remind me that no matter our nationality, our age, our color, our background, our knowledge, our gender, the lord loves us and knows us all perfectly. we took a ride in the back of a police car - our escorts for the trip. we got on the back of trucks and in the rain rode up the muddy mountain roads for 3 hours until we made it to Yalijux. soaking wet. we ate and then trekked through a muddy corn field for 2 miles to the cave. what a journey to get there! but it was gorgeous. that's life isn't it? mike tried to prepare us, but we didn't know what it would be like. it was a little different for each of us. it was frustrating when i was trying not to get dirty or when i just wanted to be home, dry and warm. but once i embraced it, that frustration went away. this life is not going to be easy. and those times when we think, "i hate that this is so difficult and why does it have to be this way and what did i do to deserve this?" we aren't seeing the big picture. there isn't some magical time in this life when it won't be muddy. we have to forget that and let it be imperfect. satan would have us focus on the "lack" part of our lives in order to prevent us from seeing all the blessings and the beauties along the way and through the trials. it was worth it. i loved seeing so many church buildings on the drive - actual church buildings - 4 of them on that 3 hour drive! the last home we visited was so powerful. the mother had just passed away, a woman mike knew from his mission. i couldn't help but think of my dad as she spoke about her mother. and as i watched the father, weighed down with sadness, i thought of my mother. it's hard enough to lose a parent, but to lose a companion, a best friend, a partner... i can't imagine. i missed him so much and the tears just kept coming. but honestly, i love when that happens. i used to hate it because it happened so frequently that i felt i couldn't do anything else. but feeling emotions that strongly reminds me that i'm alive and that i know what love is. i love him more today, more aware of his weaknesses and imperfections than i did before. at our last fireside, i sat by a christina reyes and another young woman. they both giggled as we tried to practice our pronunciation with them. but christina's spirit was so strong. she stood as a pillar. firm. i loved seeing that.
*got sick at the end of the trip, started getting better, then got the flu, started getting better, then got a cold. my immune system took a hit this month.
*celebrated christmas with the family. christmas is so different now without dad, but every year we try to figure it out. mom, em and i helped the pixies find pajamas, britta got her nails painted, read the christmas story with everyone dressed up (including our little jedi shepherd), played perfect wedding - chris won, made cinnamon rolls.... oh i want one now.... and just enjoyed every minute with my family. it was happier and smoother than i thought. what a blessing!
*was supposed to go to new york, but cancelled the trip since i was sick. and considering how stupid this cold has been, it would've been miserable.
*working on a big presentation at work with our director. another good reason i cancelled new york. it feels so good to contribute to something so important in the progress of this work.
*rang in the new year with alyssa, abby and cassie at the arvo new years eve party. besides the fact that 16+ were invited and it was hot and crowded, it was fun. we're just one year older, and that much more inclined to stay at home and order in indian food to celebrate.
family.
things are going much better. my relationship with my mom is more real and open than it has ever been. during this year, my mom told me she realized our family was broken - from the past and especially since dad passed away. this realization and acceptance is huge for us! but even more than that, she feels a desire and a responsibility to take the lead in healing us. i feel like i'm allowed to not be the mom now. she's got this. it's not my job. things aren't perfect, but there is hope.
friends.
some friends come and go, but some stay true and are worth fighting for. as i look back over this year, i recognize that my closest friends are those with whom i don't spend countless hours with. they aren't my companions. they are my friends, my confidants. over the years, they have proven themselves trustworthy. they love me and believe in me, as i toward them. we don't talk that often, but when we do it's as if no time has passed. i'm grateful for them. i'm grateful for their consistency and their unconditional love and that those relationships push me to change and be better. not because it's required for our friendship, but because they love me and tell me how it is.
job.
this year has been incredible and difficult. after keith and carolyn's retirements i felt very alone and confused by the uk. but it required me to step up and i have. there is still so much to learn, but i feel so much more aware of what needs to happen. the projects i've worked on have also confirmed this to me. this isn't about ego or worth. but it's about confidence. i feel more confident. i allows me to be more honest. it pushes me to step up and figure it out. after jeff was moved to a different team, the same step up has started in the nordic countries. i have to work harder and be more decisive. but i need to let the lord in more to guide his work.
travel.
this has definitely been the year of travel. i've been all over--or at least more than ever before in one year! who could've imagined? this was what i wanted, ever since i was a little girl--to travel for work like my dad. i understand now what he meant about it being more difficult than you would imagine. but it's probably also easier without a family at home. sometimes i joke that this is my consolation prize for not being married. but i actually see it as a great blessing. my understanding of the world, my opinions and beliefs of it and my place in it have grown so much from traveling. i am more aware of what i love, what i believe and through my conversations with others around the world, i gain a greater understanding of what is really happening. i'm not sure why i specifically need these experiences, but they have changed me. they keep me from focusing too much on what is tangible and right in front of me. they broaden my horizons. the trick is to not take the blessing for granted. and i will try hard not to.
what a fantastic year. i'm ready for another one.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
jumbled thoughts & unanswered questions.
environment.
do people choose their environment because of their personality or does their environment change/create their personality? the more time i spend in europe, the more i find myself inclined to that way of life. and it makes me wonder, have i always wanted to live in that environment, but didn't know it existed? or has my personality changed because of the time i have spent there and now i want that environment? if i had never visited europe, would i want to live in utah suburbs in a house with a fence and yard? what made me long for new york at such a young age? tv? is this one of those "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" moments? i don't necessarily think it's wrong to want to leave utah and live in a city, but at the same time there's something inside me that thinks maybe it is wrong because all of the righteous people seem to want that.
fitting into family.
over the past couple months since i returned home from europe these questions have been weighing on my mind. i wonder about what i really want--what i want my life to look like. as i look around my family members i feel very different from them. they are all in different places in their lives which changes what matters most to them. i feel selfish in comparison to those of my sisters with children, but i'm not in that place. i feel alone in comparison to those of my sisters with husbands, but i'm not in that place. vacations are different. dinners are different. family time is different. planning is different. holidays are different. and none of it is bad, but everything feels like it's changing because everyone in the family is transitioning except for me. and it makes me think...it makes me think more about what i want. which is good. but also feels selfish.
i am not them and they are not me. this is obvious. but the other night i played games with my mom and two of my sisters while 2 brother in laws and a cousin in law all played video games together and it made me realize... wow, all of the guys in our family have very similar personalities/interests. and then i thought about the guys i have dated recently and realized... wow, none of them have really been like them. hmmm... do i want to marry someone like them? not necessarily. would any of the guys i dated fit into this family and mesh with these guys? not necessarily. am i ok with that? maybe. what would that be like? if i had married someone 10 years ago, i bet they would've been like the guys in my family. so what does that mean? does that mean my personality has changed? or i've come to know myself and what i want better? probably.
conclusion.
in conclusion, to a weird blob of thoughts, just like everyone (with their different personalities, experiences and preferred environments) make them better suited to one job over another, i believe the same factors make one better suited for an environment over another. at different stages in our lives maybe we are willing to make sacrifices. a father needing to provide for his family is more willing to work at a minimum wage job than a single man looking for a job right out of college. a wife and mother is more willing to sacrifice where she lives to be where her husband has a job than a single woman. we all want different things. sometimes we feel really different because several people around us have similar personalities or have made similar sacrifices, but that doesn't mean we're wrong. we're just different. and different is good, right?
do people choose their environment because of their personality or does their environment change/create their personality? the more time i spend in europe, the more i find myself inclined to that way of life. and it makes me wonder, have i always wanted to live in that environment, but didn't know it existed? or has my personality changed because of the time i have spent there and now i want that environment? if i had never visited europe, would i want to live in utah suburbs in a house with a fence and yard? what made me long for new york at such a young age? tv? is this one of those "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" moments? i don't necessarily think it's wrong to want to leave utah and live in a city, but at the same time there's something inside me that thinks maybe it is wrong because all of the righteous people seem to want that.
fitting into family.
over the past couple months since i returned home from europe these questions have been weighing on my mind. i wonder about what i really want--what i want my life to look like. as i look around my family members i feel very different from them. they are all in different places in their lives which changes what matters most to them. i feel selfish in comparison to those of my sisters with children, but i'm not in that place. i feel alone in comparison to those of my sisters with husbands, but i'm not in that place. vacations are different. dinners are different. family time is different. planning is different. holidays are different. and none of it is bad, but everything feels like it's changing because everyone in the family is transitioning except for me. and it makes me think...it makes me think more about what i want. which is good. but also feels selfish.
i am not them and they are not me. this is obvious. but the other night i played games with my mom and two of my sisters while 2 brother in laws and a cousin in law all played video games together and it made me realize... wow, all of the guys in our family have very similar personalities/interests. and then i thought about the guys i have dated recently and realized... wow, none of them have really been like them. hmmm... do i want to marry someone like them? not necessarily. would any of the guys i dated fit into this family and mesh with these guys? not necessarily. am i ok with that? maybe. what would that be like? if i had married someone 10 years ago, i bet they would've been like the guys in my family. so what does that mean? does that mean my personality has changed? or i've come to know myself and what i want better? probably.
conclusion.
in conclusion, to a weird blob of thoughts, just like everyone (with their different personalities, experiences and preferred environments) make them better suited to one job over another, i believe the same factors make one better suited for an environment over another. at different stages in our lives maybe we are willing to make sacrifices. a father needing to provide for his family is more willing to work at a minimum wage job than a single man looking for a job right out of college. a wife and mother is more willing to sacrifice where she lives to be where her husband has a job than a single woman. we all want different things. sometimes we feel really different because several people around us have similar personalities or have made similar sacrifices, but that doesn't mean we're wrong. we're just different. and different is good, right?
Sunday, June 21, 2015
father's day.
for many today is filled with creative facebook or instagram posts containing their favorite picture of themselves with their father. for others today is difficult as they feel the pain of not having a strong relationship with their father. as for myself, today is bittersweet.
i am so grateful for my father. though imperfect, he loved me. he was an example of one who gave his whole self to whatever he was engaged in. he taught me so many things and i truly feel blessed to have had him in my life. but i miss him so much. and on days like today it is painful to be reminded of all the experiences i didn't and won't get to have with him.
although i feel those things others proclaim on facebook, i chose a different route this father's day. this year called for: a private chat between myself, my dad and my heavenly father, some tears and finished off with a little chicago.
i keep this record to remind myself that it's ok to be sad. in fact, the sad helps me know i love him. and loving someone is a great blessing.
dad, i love you and miss you.
i am so grateful for my father. though imperfect, he loved me. he was an example of one who gave his whole self to whatever he was engaged in. he taught me so many things and i truly feel blessed to have had him in my life. but i miss him so much. and on days like today it is painful to be reminded of all the experiences i didn't and won't get to have with him.
although i feel those things others proclaim on facebook, i chose a different route this father's day. this year called for: a private chat between myself, my dad and my heavenly father, some tears and finished off with a little chicago.
i keep this record to remind myself that it's ok to be sad. in fact, the sad helps me know i love him. and loving someone is a great blessing.
dad, i love you and miss you.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
still alice.
last night i went to see "still alice." in the story, the mother, alice, is diagnosed with a rare version of early onset alzheimer's disease. you watch her struggle to remain connected to the things she felt defined her worth and the things she loved. but as she continues to deteriorate there is a shift in the ones around her. i couldn't help but see that there were some in her family that found it hard to love & connect with this woman who was so "different" than the woman they had known. she didn't live up to the expectations they had for her & they couldn't change those expectations. while others found greater love for her through this change & accepted whatever she had to give.
i thought of my grandfather who passed away from alzheimer's when i was 10. i remember him not remembering who i was or that it was his birthday. i remember hearing & reading about how hard it was for my grandmother when he didn't remember her. i also thought of my grandmother. she struggled with dementia near the end of her life. as one of her caretakers, i watched her pain & frustration as she tried to remember things--things she knew she had forgotten.
i have a very difficult time being around the elderly. not because i don't love them, but because it is really painful for me, for some reason. i become really emotional as i watch them deal with frustration and loneliness. one time, after my father had passed away, i remember thinking that maybe it was a little tender mercy that he was taken so young, so that i didn't have to watch him go through that.
however, alice's story made me realize a few things:
my father had been deteriorating. he was sick. but, like usual, he probably didn't want to burden or worry us with that information. he was so different during the last 6 months of his life. he was forgetful & made decisions which were so uncharacteristic for him. i remember being frustrated with him for those things--frustrated that he was acting differently. my heart sinks when i think of that. i wonder if he was scared or lonely. was i so focused on myself & my frustration with him for not meeting my expectations that i didn't recognize that he was suffering? i wish i had been the daughter that had felt the change, loved him through it & soaked up every ounce of love he had to give.
i know he forgives me & loves me despite my weakness.
all i can do is be better at recognizing & comforting those in need of comfort.
i thought of my grandfather who passed away from alzheimer's when i was 10. i remember him not remembering who i was or that it was his birthday. i remember hearing & reading about how hard it was for my grandmother when he didn't remember her. i also thought of my grandmother. she struggled with dementia near the end of her life. as one of her caretakers, i watched her pain & frustration as she tried to remember things--things she knew she had forgotten.
i have a very difficult time being around the elderly. not because i don't love them, but because it is really painful for me, for some reason. i become really emotional as i watch them deal with frustration and loneliness. one time, after my father had passed away, i remember thinking that maybe it was a little tender mercy that he was taken so young, so that i didn't have to watch him go through that.
however, alice's story made me realize a few things:
my father had been deteriorating. he was sick. but, like usual, he probably didn't want to burden or worry us with that information. he was so different during the last 6 months of his life. he was forgetful & made decisions which were so uncharacteristic for him. i remember being frustrated with him for those things--frustrated that he was acting differently. my heart sinks when i think of that. i wonder if he was scared or lonely. was i so focused on myself & my frustration with him for not meeting my expectations that i didn't recognize that he was suffering? i wish i had been the daughter that had felt the change, loved him through it & soaked up every ounce of love he had to give.
i know he forgives me & loves me despite my weakness.
all i can do is be better at recognizing & comforting those in need of comfort.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
authenticity.
i've been spending a lot of time thinking about authenticity.
authenticity means for us to be ourselves--authentic--in our words & actions. recently, i realized that it's hard to balance the need to be authentic with the commandment to be christ-like. i could look around me & make a list of the many things i see people do which are "christ-like." i could start doing those same things in order to be seen as "christ-like." however, that's not how it works! that's not authentic!
you must be authentic no matter where you are on the path to perfection. part of being authentic is knowing & accepting yourself including the fact that you are imperfect. as you strive to live more closely to the spirit, your actions will be influenced & you will become more christ-like, but in an authentic way. your "good" words & deeds will have more meaning & authenticity about them because you are doing & saying those things because you want to & it's how you would do it! it's you, as an authentically christ-like person, not you acting like a christ-like person (according to some arbitrary list).
becoming christ-like authentically reduces the pressure to live up to some standard we create in our minds. in addition, once that list isn't there for us to live up to, we can stop holding others to it as well! if every person is authentic & authentically christ-like in their own way, then we can't decide how everyone should be christ-like or whether or not someone is christ-like. otherwise, we are exacting over others & expecting them to be perfect... but really, we can let the lord handle that.
the more i thought about this concept of authentically becoming christ-like, i realized something else... as we are close to the spirit we won't just learn how to be like christ, we will actually come to know ourselves--our spirits--the true authentic us that the lord knows! so the phrase "becoming christ-like" doesn't contradict us being authentically us. the spirit "consumes our flesh" & allows our spirits to shine through in a way that guides our desires & behaviors.
sometimes we feel pressured to be perfect right now. but becoming perfect (christ-like) is a process. it will be better for us to make choices & changes line upon line, meaningfully & honestly, than to "become perfect" today, checking everything off a to-do list. first, it's impossible to do that in this life. & 2. it's the becoming that matters! & becoming takes time. we just need to be on the path & have a desire to be changed.
authenticity means for us to be ourselves--authentic--in our words & actions. recently, i realized that it's hard to balance the need to be authentic with the commandment to be christ-like. i could look around me & make a list of the many things i see people do which are "christ-like." i could start doing those same things in order to be seen as "christ-like." however, that's not how it works! that's not authentic!
you must be authentic no matter where you are on the path to perfection. part of being authentic is knowing & accepting yourself including the fact that you are imperfect. as you strive to live more closely to the spirit, your actions will be influenced & you will become more christ-like, but in an authentic way. your "good" words & deeds will have more meaning & authenticity about them because you are doing & saying those things because you want to & it's how you would do it! it's you, as an authentically christ-like person, not you acting like a christ-like person (according to some arbitrary list).
becoming christ-like authentically reduces the pressure to live up to some standard we create in our minds. in addition, once that list isn't there for us to live up to, we can stop holding others to it as well! if every person is authentic & authentically christ-like in their own way, then we can't decide how everyone should be christ-like or whether or not someone is christ-like. otherwise, we are exacting over others & expecting them to be perfect... but really, we can let the lord handle that.
the more i thought about this concept of authentically becoming christ-like, i realized something else... as we are close to the spirit we won't just learn how to be like christ, we will actually come to know ourselves--our spirits--the true authentic us that the lord knows! so the phrase "becoming christ-like" doesn't contradict us being authentically us. the spirit "consumes our flesh" & allows our spirits to shine through in a way that guides our desires & behaviors.
sometimes we feel pressured to be perfect right now. but becoming perfect (christ-like) is a process. it will be better for us to make choices & changes line upon line, meaningfully & honestly, than to "become perfect" today, checking everything off a to-do list. first, it's impossible to do that in this life. & 2. it's the becoming that matters! & becoming takes time. we just need to be on the path & have a desire to be changed.
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