the "m" word.

the infamous "m" word. you know, that word that no one wants to admit they're thinking about... but really what single adult isn't? and what single adult shouldn't? i don't mean that it should preoccupy our time to the point that we spiral into despair, but we should be thinking about it.

so i admit. i've been thinking about it. and these are my thoughts.

the list...

the older you get, the longer your list of wants (or as we see them "needs") becomes. it makes sense. you date a lot. you see a lot of relationships. you start to pick up on qualities and attributes (and maybe even accomplishments) that you feel will make or break a relationship. unfortunately, the longer our list becomes, the harder it is to find someone to fit it. but this is ok, right? i mean, we don't have to settle. this is the one person that you choose to be related to--better find the right person!

well, it's probably different for each person, but i've started to see that my list has been off a little. maybe, instead of my list constantly growing, it should be influx constantly--expanding and narrowing--to help me get to a real list of the most important things.

but checklists can be deceiving. so maybe it should be a list of questions!
* how do they make you feel about yourself?
* do they encourage you/make you want to be better?
* do they make you happy/laugh?
* do you admire them?
* do you desire/enjoy making them happy and serving them?
* can you communicate?
* are you attracted to/connected with them physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally?
* do you have similar/mesh-able hopes and dreams for the future?
* do you believe in them?
* do you trust them?

...hmm...

the guarantee...

divorce is rampant. how do you know they won't change their mind? or give up? how do you know you won't?

well, you can't know. there is no guarantee.

when everyone has their agency and nothing is guaranteed, how can we place so much faith in another mortal?

if you include the lord then you aren't merely trusting another mortal. the lord will never fail you. that doesn't mean it will be perfect. it means that it will be on the path to perfection. that path requires change. change is never easy.

i've spent many hours of my life pondering over this one--how to prevent divorce. i have come up with some things to help, but in the end, this is what it does down to. faith and trust in the lord. the most meaningful and life changing events in our lives are those that require the most faith. no wonder the "m" word and having kids are so life changing. there are no guarantees. they require every ounce of faith you've got.

the choice...

a friend of mine recognized that the older her friends got married the less they were "caught up in the moment" and "madly, deeply in love." instead, it was a choice. well, as depressing as that sounds, i'm starting to see how true it is. you should love them and be in love with them. but loving someone is not loving their perfection. the only way to truly love someone is to know them, see their strengths and weaknesses and love all of those things because they make them who they are. their weaknesses are what change them and make them better. and the weaknesses of both partners and the relationship are what change the relationship and make it better--when we turn to the lord.

in our world today, satan teaches us to fear weaknesses. so we run away from relationships with people who have weaknesses or who see/address/or make us see our own because we don't want to deal with their imperfections or admit our own. he wants us to believe that weaknesses and imperfections are scary and bad and be blinded to the potential and power that are within them. if we hide them away, our shame grows and our ability to love ourselves and others diminishes. if we are open about them, we have no shame, our ability to love ourselves and others increases and we can be changed. (please understand that when i say weakness, i don't mean they are abusive or addicted to video games. i mean, they are imperfect. and most importantly, they know they are imperfect.)

so yes, we choose. but hopefully making the choice with widened eyes allows us to love them more.

the choice isn't just made once. it's made every day.

...just some thoughts...