after my dad passed away i was sad. i missed him. there was so much i had not been able to tell him or share or experience with him & there were thoughts & feelings that were unresolved. it hurt enough that for a time i pulled away from god. not because i was mad, but because i felt i needed to get over it. i couldn't pray because if i did, i would cry. it wasn't letting up & i couldn't continue going to work with cry headaches from the night before. so i numbed myself from feeling. a few months later i began applying the atonement to comfort me in my sadness; to believe that someday i would understand why--in a very logical way. eventually, i hardly every thought about my dad. so much so that when i began therapy, his death was initially only mentioned in passing. she asked if i had dealt with it. i said that i thought so. i explained that i wasn't really sad, in fact, i rarely thought of him. she told me i probably hadn't, but i don't think i believed her.
well, over the next several months i found myself working through those unresolved thoughts & feelings. i had to force myself to feel & to honor those feelings, no matter what they were. through that process i wasn't just sad he was gone, but upset that i had not had a perfect relationship with him. i knew i was to blame for part of that, but i became so frustrated & mad at him for not being the dad i deserved--a perfect dad. i spent a lot of time pondering about all of the things a father should do & be & all i saw was what he was lacking. i was bugged, mad, angry, sad, & jealous of my sisters who didn't seem to feel this way (& who obviously had a different relationship with him). i was so devoid of loving feelings that father's day was extremely upsetting. i didn't feel how everyone else did. that feeling lingered & i was kind of losing hope that i would ever feel differently toward him. there was so much pain that i associated to him. how could i separate them without choosing to not honor my pain? i didn't see this pain going anywhere, any time soon. & to make the situation worse, i found myself angry at god for giving me an imperfect father & then taking him away before our relationship could grow & our issues could be resolved.
after months of this i saw a flicker of hope. in a quiet moment i saw his name on a piece of paper, where he was listed as my father. i was completely overwhelmed with love for him. i missed him! it sounds silly, but i hadn't felt that way in a long time. i had experienced a sliver of what i hoped to feel at some future point.
a couple weeks later, a friend & i were discussing the sacrifices parents make for children in order for them to grow up in an environment where they can experience the gospel, etc. he said, "well, that's the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children, right?" it got me thinking, if heart turning requires sacrifice, then what is the sacrifice to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers? people often attribute that to the sacrifice of researching your ancestors for family history, but as i pondered more about this i realized that the sacrifice children can make is to forgive their parents of their weaknesses & imperfections. in that moment i felt that it was time to let go of these feelings. i wrestled with the thought of letting go & questioned how that would even work. was i really just going to decide i was over it? how was i going to let go without just hiding away my feelings? i trusted & i let go.
{cue imagery of a child finally letting go of the side of the pool
so they can leap to grab their father's outstretched hands.}
what glorious freedom, love & peace i have felt since that moment! i have been able to see so much more than i would've been able to without letting go. my pain has been separated from my dad. i see him as a complete, although imperfect, person--just like me. i had been so blinded by his weaknesses that i hadn't seen all of the good he did & was. i had been holding onto the pain so that he would feel bad. but i think he knows. he probably wishes it could've been different, that he had been more perfect--just as i will probably feel with my children.
i am so grateful to have experienced the healing power of the atonement. i thought i understood, but i had no idea. i had only understood it as a power of comfort, not of healing. the only way for us to be completely healed is to be completely open with the lord about the pain. it took me digging all the way to the depth of my pain to be healed. he cannot heal us if we try to fool the world & him into thinking we are perfect. the power of the atonement is necessary, beautiful & real. it truly is the greatest gift i could ever receive. i need to understand it more fully & feel it more in my life through the application of faith, but it is real. i don't regret having the feelings i had because i now understand what it means to have my sorrow become my joy!
eternal families are central to god's plan for us. it is an eternal truth. if we turn from that truth we will become hardened & not have the light & knowledge we need to combat satan. learning to love, sacrificing for those we love & recognizing the power of the atonement in their lives is what eternal families are for. those bonds & covenants are made in holy temples of god by the power of the priesthood on the earth, but they are maintained through sacrifice & love.
we have a responsibility to build upon the good foundation our parents left for us. until i let go, i hadn't realized all of the ways my dad sacrificed for me so that i could have the gospel in my life--to have more than he had from his father. we should recognize the good, forgive the bad & make the foundation a little stronger & the environment a little brighter for the next generation. & we will continue to grow brighter & brighter until the perfect day!
i love you dad--thank you.
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