still alice.

last night i went to see "still alice." in the story, the mother, alice, is diagnosed with a rare version of early onset alzheimer's disease. you watch her struggle to remain connected to the things she felt defined her worth and the things she loved. but as she continues to deteriorate there is a shift in the ones around her. i couldn't help but see that there were some in her family that found it hard to love & connect with this woman who was so "different" than the woman they had known. she didn't live up to the expectations they had for her & they couldn't change those expectations. while others found greater love for her through this change & accepted whatever she had to give.

i thought of my grandfather who passed away from alzheimer's when i was 10. i remember him not remembering who i was or that it was his birthday. i remember hearing & reading about how hard it was for my grandmother when he didn't remember her. i also thought of my grandmother. she struggled with dementia near the end of her life. as one of her caretakers, i watched her pain & frustration as she tried to remember things--things she knew she had forgotten.

i have a very difficult time being around the elderly. not because i don't love them, but because it is really painful for me, for some reason. i become really emotional as i watch them deal with frustration and loneliness. one time, after my father had passed away, i remember thinking that maybe it was a little tender mercy that he was taken so young, so that i didn't have to watch him go through that.

however, alice's story made me realize a few things:

my father had been deteriorating. he was sick. but, like usual, he probably didn't want to burden or worry us with that information. he was so different during the last 6 months of his life. he was forgetful & made decisions which were so uncharacteristic for him. i remember being frustrated with him for those things--frustrated that he was acting differently. my heart sinks when i think of that. i wonder if he was scared or lonely. was i so focused on myself & my frustration with him for not meeting my expectations that i didn't recognize that he was suffering? i wish i had been the daughter that had felt the change, loved him through it & soaked up every ounce of love he had to give.

i know he forgives me & loves me despite my weakness.
all i can do is be better at recognizing & comforting those in need of comfort.