i thought about that moment tonight. that moment when we were standing close and your arms were around me. we had done it before, but somehow, this time, it felt different. there had been nothing romantic between us for all the years we had known each other. and it had been years since we had seen each other. but there we were, standing there in silence. and that's when it happened. that moment. the moment i made a choice i've regretted ever since. when i realized what might happen next, that you might lean in, i panicked and broke the moment.
what was i thinking? was i scared of what might happen or did i not want it to happen? in the split second that i had to make that decision, did i actually look into the future or did i want time to sort through the possible consequences?
no matter what the reason, i made that choice. and i regret it. mostly because i don't know what i pulled away from. maybe you would've broken the moment and nothing would've happened. but maybe not. and maybe our lives would be completely different than they are now. but maybe not.
the moment has definitely passed and has faded away so i rarely think of it. but sometimes i do. and sometimes i wonder.
not that you are looking for a comment here, but I've been thinking of this all morning. For me personally, I think I've gained enough closure on distant/past relationships that I don't wonder about the "what ifs" anymore, but I do think a lot about current relationships. What if I was more bold? More direct? Less insecure? And I think the answer is finding patience with myself and trusting that the Lord understands my present strivings and shortcomings and will not allow an opportunity to pass me by just because I'm not bold enough in the present moment. It helps me move forward, you know?
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