day of love

on this day {or day after} of love, i thought i would reflect on some of the important things i've learned about love during the past year. what is it? what is it for? how does it change us? is it a choice? is it determined by logic? is it an unshakeable feeling? why do we all desire it? where do we learn about it? 

here are some of my thoughts and questions...

we are here in this life to learn how to love despite our human weaknesses. 
the feeling of love may be natural, but the actions that should actually accompany love are not always as natural. or maybe they are, but people say they love someone when they don't, but they just wish they did or they mistakenly classify their fear of being alone as love. real love requires effort, but maybe the desire to make that effort is easy? 

is there a difference between love and unconditional love? 
or is the true essence of love, unconditional? we are first supposed to learn about love from our parents. they tell us they love us throughout our childhood and as we get older we test to see whether or not that love is unconditional. some learn it is and then they have a healthy foundation to go through their lives knowing when they have felt love for and from another. others learn love is conditional and struggle to meet those conditions in each relationship. sometimes these people never even know if they have experienced unconditional love because even if their significant other felt that type of love for them, they wouldn't be able to recognize it and/or they would assume their own conditions for that person to really love them. what an exhausting way to live. these parents, who generally try their best to love, may not realize how pivotal this piece is to a child's foundation. their love can typify god's love for them. if they don't experience unconditional love from their earthly father, how hard will it be for them to understand unconditional love from their heavenly father?

love is in our gut.
to love someone logically means you have an ongoing pros and cons list about that person in your head. when they have more pros--that means you should love them, so you do. when they have more cons, the opposite occurs. but almost anyone could tell you that the people they love irritate them at times, hurt them at times, etc. that list is always in flux. you would never really be able to commit because you'd always be going back and forth about your "feeling." if you loved someone with only feeling then you would get caught up in the moment. they are "perfect." that feeling overrides all logic. who cares if they are a drug addict or abusive (these are extreme of course). but maybe that feeling is just coming from a physical connection... now feelings and connections can compensate for a lot of cons, but it's the overlap of feelings and logic--our gut--where we find that right balance. love will require compromise, but not more than our logic will allow.

love is more than an emotion.
when your love for someone doesn't fluctuate with a pros and cons list, it allows you to separate love from other fleeting emotions. love becomes more than just an emotion. it stays in the background even when you are angry, sad, frustrated, confused, etc. with that same person. that love becomes a foundation that allows you to work through the other feelings. if that base wasn't there those feelings could damage the relationship because love was replaced with those feelings. if love is the base, but it isn't trusted to be enough to keep the relationship together, then the feelings will be buried and eventually they will crack the foundation. 

love changes us. 
loving god changes our behavior, but it requires choice and action. the same is true when love occurs between a husband and wife, a parent and a child, siblings or friends. loving anyone requires a choice and action. feeling is involved as well. but i think it is bundled differently depending on the relationship. obviously, romantic feelings are needed in a romantic relationship. you don't just have to date or marry someone because logic says so. however, at a certain point, a choice is made to actively be in a relationship with someone or to love them unconditionally--to not exact over them. 

to love someone is to really know them. 
when you are able to see and know another person for who they are, weaknesses and all, that is when you can really love them. i have known some people whose weaknesses are off-putting to me, while others are endearing because they make that person human to me. i don't really know what the difference is. was my heart more open? did i personally understand their weaknesses more fully? do i struggle from the same weaknesses? or was it a feeling of love for those people that allowed me to see how their weaknesses made them beautiful and the strength they now had because of their weaknesses?

love is godly.
i told someone once that i felt needy for wanting to love and be loved. they quickly responded that the desire to love and be loved is of god. our spirits long for it. when we participate in love, we participate in the things of god because we are learning to see and care for one of his children the way he sees and cares for them. unconditionally.

love is painful.
the fight to find love is painful and exhausting. waiting, trying, opening, sharing, giving, compromising, talking, etc. require all of us. and yet every time we enter a relationship we do it knowing it will be hard and painful and most likely we will breakup. whether the relationship was filled with real love or if the breakup is mutual, breakups are hard... in unique ways. there is no way to avoid this. this is the battlefield pat benatar spoke about. we have to know it's what we're signing up for.

love comes to us differently.
for some love comes quickly. for others it takes time. some need friendship first. some need to build trust first. some dive in head first with their feelings. i don't believe these differences prevent relationships from forming. but just like the love languages, we have to be aware of these differences. if we really care for someone we should be willing to fight for the relationship.

compromising vs. settling.
i feel that one of the hardest things for my generation is to compromise without settling. this is where the gut is important. when it comes to marriage, this is the one person you choose to be bound to. don't settle--it's so important to find a good partner for life! but you can't look for perfection either. you have weaknesses and baggage. so do they. "you are both gonna have to be willing to sit in each other's messes." and you'll both have to encourage and help each other with your messes. 

love builds from the inside out.
everything we learn from our parents about unconditional love builds and strengthens our internal acceptance and love for ourselves because we know we are enough! that confidence is what allows us to turn outward and love those around us. is love selfless? yes. however, those with the self-confidence  also know what they need. those who know what unconditional love feels like, know when they don't feel that from someone and are willing to fight for what they know exists and that they deserve. selfless doesn't mean stay in relationships that aren't right.

love requires authenticity.
in order to truly love and be loved, we have to be ourselves. and we have to love in our authentic way. of course, the way we love someone adjusts based on their needs. we have to accept, love and validate our own needs before we'll be able to really tell someone we love about those needs. and we have to be open to the possibility that they may not be willing to give you what you need. when that happens, a decision has to be made. the decision is not about whether or not it was "right" to ask for what you needed, but instead, how important is it? if it is important, why would you want to be with someone who didn't care about your needs?