finding peace

when my dad first passed away i felt i had to take on the role of making sure everything was in order—my mother’s finances, other’s emotions, the funeral arrangements, etc. i honestly don’t remember crying a lot. i had a testimony of eternal families, the blessings of the temple and I knew I would see my dad again. i truly felt the power of the holy ghost carrying me through this time. that sounds like the a good end to the story—sounds like i found peace! but then real life settled in and I cried all the time, i missed him. missing him turned into being mad that he wasn’t here. being mad turned into feeling as though i had lost some bet—i was the unlucky one to lose their father! why me?!? there were moments and conversations we never got to have and issues (born from misunderstanding and miscommunication) we never got to overcome! i remained in this sad, confused and frustrated state on the inside, but on the outside i would say all of the “right” things—all the things i knew to be true about eternal families because i was trying to be faithful. 

one day i met a man and i asked him what he did for a living, he taught grief counseling at a local university. i inquired about what he actually taught his students. “well,” he said, “grieving is a necessary part of the process of healing from loss. and it’s interesting that in our culture (the lds church) where we have so much light and truth about eternal families, we think that means we can’t be sad—that we can’t grieve because if we’re sad and grieve then that means we don’t have a testimony of those eternal truths.” this was exactly what i was doing. i thought it was wrong to be sad. i mean, i would never admit that to anyone, but something inside me thought it was unfaithful! of course, i started crying as he said this and we had a sweet talk after, but what he said changed me. i finally allowed myself to be sad—or mad—whatever my feelings were, i allowed myself to feel them because then i could let the Lord in to teach me and heal me--and he did!

God sent us to the earth in families so we could learn what it means to be in a family, what it means to be a father, mother, sibling or child. families are essential to His plan. families are where we first learn about unconditional love. knowing all of this, why would God think i was unfaithful because I was sad? we should be sad if we lose a loved one. if we remembered our interactions with our heavenly father from the pre-existence, i believe we would feel that loss and separation. i believe our spirits know that separation so they yearn for the things of the spirit—to feel close to our heavenly father. now, this isn’t to say that we should be angry at the world and mean to others. that's not what i gave myself permission to do! i just gave myself permission to feel the feelings God sent me to the earth to feel. and the feelings i had, but didn’t want (like being mad) i admitted and asked the Lord to heal me.

allowing myself to feel, remaining close to the spirit and asking God the real questions has helped me to find peace through this experience. God didn’t ask me to go through it alone. he has been with me whenever i turned to him. and through this healing process i have had several experiences which have confirmed to me that my father loves me and watches over me today. he loves me today even more than he did while on the earth because his perspective is not clouded by his human imperfections. if it was necessary to my salvation that he was still here, he would be here. this experience has brought more unity and understanding to our family. he is watching over our family and is still the patriarch of our family, but he carries out that role in a different way now. he was needed on the other side for an important work—a piece of the missionary work we participate in on this side. i learned these things by asking the questions and remaining close to the spirit. and these things have made my testimony of eternal families so much stronger than before, but it required actively learning it. not just saying it.

my journey to finding peace has been very different from other people I know who have lost a loved one. everyone's is unique. that is one of the most powerful things I have learned through this experience—we are all different so our experience and our feelings are so very different! And the Lord will help us in our individual ways if we turn to him because NO ONE BUT CHRIST UNDERSTANDS OR WILL EVER UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! trust in him and his atoning power.